Britney Spears says that “mean people suck.”  This is both profound and true.  Vampires, for example, are mean.  Though I am not certain as to whether they actually quality people.  I’m sure there is some definition for personhood.  Maybe being Undead excludes one from being a person.  It’s a point to ponder.  I can say with certainty, however, that vampires are mean.  It is not very nice to bite someone and drain their lifeblood.  At least most people wouldn’t consider that a very nice thing to do.  Who the hell knows what some people are into?  Anyway, I digress.

Prior to my vampire tangent (though I am a big vampire fan, I must confess), I mentioned Britney Spears.  She is, or at least was, a celebrity.  Because of this, people are interested in what she has to say.  I find this remarkable because of a couple things.  Britney has little formal education.  Britney isn’t very intelligent.  Ergo, Britney will be running for the Republican nomination when she is old enough.  Pow.  I love getting in those political shots.  Remember when I said I wasn’t going to politicize this blog?  That was complete bullshit.  And you fell for it so easily.  You have to learn to judge people by what they do, not what they say.

After all, I can say anything.  For instance, I am god (I don’t know which one, this is just an example).  Look at all the things I know about Britney Spears.  If you give me some money, I’ll make sure you get into heaven.  Payment received, golden ticket earned.  If you give me enough money, some of it will surely trickle down to you (if you’re worried I might not invest all of it in your Heaven Ticket).  Win, win.  Also known as the Double Pow.  Or Double Pow Pow.  I can never remember which.

Anyway, back to vampires.  I don’t know about you, but I find them much more interesting than real life.  Imagine if they were real.  I’ll bet the bar business would tank.  I surely wouldn’t go in a bar at night knowing there might be vampires lurking about.  Also, I would only attend matinee movies.  Movie theaters would be an excellent venue in which to ply one’s vampiric trade.  A vampire could turn him or herself into a bat and hide right along the wall of the theater.  Then, after people are sufficiently inattentive due to the movie, the vampire could casually turn back into human form.  If the vampire worked their way from back to front, it could be a real slaughter.  Geeks in yoda t-shirts, soda spilling brats, horny teenagers- all dead.  And when the vampire was done, he (or she) could pull off their cape to reveal a cool t-shirt.  It could say something like “Vampires Do It in the Dark” or “This Movie Sucks” or “I Killed the Popcorn Guy and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.”

Or “Chester’s Bar.”  There is a real Chester’s Bar.  It’s kind of a dive, but I am not that choosy.