Far be it for me to criticize other people, but why do you continue to put paper toweling in the toilet?  From a purely logistical standpoint, this makes no sense.  Have you no spatial awareness?  Paper toweling does not typically reside in a bathroom stall.  Someone has to get up in the middle of their business, walk to the paper towel dispenser, and then return with said towels.  Then, after using these towels (for purposes I’d rather not think about) this towel-getter then tries to flush the paper towels down the toilet.  Newsflash.  They don’t go.  And if they try to go, then someone else will have to fish them out of the toilet.  Not me, of course.  I’d rather declare the toilet condemned than take on such a distasteful task.  Being a janitor is far from all glory.

Also, is it really that hard to throw paper toweling (I’m talking properly utilized paper toweling, not whatever goes on in the stall) into the garbage?  Go into any public bathroom.  There are paper towels next to the sink, on the floor, sticking out from the ceiling tiles.  It is a scandal.  Certainly, it helps to explain the voting patterns in this country.  Somebody should start shooting these paper towel miscreants.  I’m sure enforcing bathroom etiquette is in the Constitution somewhere.  Right next to the part where gay people should be stoned to death.

The bathroom should be a place of peace, a sanctuary against the hustle and bustle of daily living.  How I love to sit in the bathroom and read.  My thoughts wander to pleasant subjects in a time that is all my own.  Yet, this reverie is not merely idle.  And that is the beauty of the bathroom.  It is one of the few places a person can multi-task and yet not feel harried.

Unless one of my stepsons is knocking on the door so that he can ask me whether I think Lebron is better than Michael Jordan.  The answer, goddammit, is “No.”  Jordan was quicker and a better defender.  How many times do I have to answer the same questions?  And, yes, the 80’s was better because they let the players fight.  But it scared suburban white people so they made them stop.  Suburban white people ruin everything.  Look at rap music if you don’t believe me.

I think I’m going to use some fairy tales to explain to these children the stepchild/stepparent dynamic.  Leave me alone or I will abandon you in a witch-infested woods.  Green witches, like the one from Wizard of Oz that scares you so much.

HEEE HEEE HEEEEE HEEEEEEE!!!  Come here, little boy.  I’ve got a punishment for you.  Guess what it is?  Give up?  I’m going to eat you.  You should have listened when Jason told you Brett Favre wasn’t as good as Aaron Rodgers.

But first you can clean out my toilet.  Some idiot stoppered it up with paper towels.  It was probably Glenda.

Good witch, my ass.