“And there will be dark beings about and lo be it to the unrighteous man who crosseth their path.  Be wary and live as the FSG would have you live.  All else is folly.  Eth.”- as told to the Prophet MO during a commercial for Duluth Trading Post- not that one, the one with the moose licking the guy’s armpit

Time for that most favorite of games.  Vampire?  Or Not?

Ted Cruz– Seriously, if he were any more obvious, he’d be wearing a black cape and trying to get the UN to recognize Transylvania as an independent country.  Plus, his wife’s hair is always suspiciously made up.  Clearly, she is the blonde vampire wife.  The red-haired and brunette vampire wives are at home.  Unless he goes to Utah.

Hillary Clinton– Yes.  Succubi are definitely a kind of vampire.

Donald Trump– At first blush one would say no.  Too fat.  Plus, vampires do not have comb-overs.  On the other hand, he has a wife from the former Eastern Bloc and he employs a gaggle of Romanians.  Or is it a “coffin of Romanians?”  Someone will need to throw some holy water at him to make a definitive statement.  Though, if he is some sort of demonic creature, this may result in a false positive.

Marco Rubio– You can’t be an android and a vampire.  Androids drink electricity, not blood.

Bernie Sanders– There is no such thing as a Jewish vampire.  Though I could insert a banking joke here if I was into stereotypes.  Which I am not.  Unless it comes to vampires.

Antonin Scalia– If he is really dead, I guarantee he has a stake in his chest and his decapitated head is in a river someplace.

Ben Carson– Vampires are never that lethargic.  He could be a ghoul, however.

Marv Albert– He bit a woman while wearing women’s clothing.  And he works primarily at night.

Mike Tyson– Bit off part of an ear on national television.  Also has a funny accent.  Maybe that is how people in some parts of the Ukraine talk.  I’ve never been there.

The Kardashians– Too stupid.  Vampires have a little higher standards than that.  Maybe ghouls.

Rush Limbaugh– Way too fat.  Also see directly above.

John Kasich– Nobody cares.  Probably a vampire.

Peyton Manning– Unlikely.  Though his next door neighbor growing up was Anne Rice.  Nope.  Not a vampire.  They can regenerate without HGH.

Bill Clinton– Definitely not.  He keeps as much distance between Hillary and himself as possible.

Dick Cheney– Head Vampire of the Republican party.

George W. Bush– Human vampire bitch.  Hoping to become a ghoul, but he can’t get Cheney to bite him.  Looking to his father for help.

List subject to change depending on  future biting, staking, etc.