At a local grocery store that I sometimes frequent, they have a cart policy.  The policy is thus.  If you want to use a cart, you need to put a quarter in the slot at the head of the cart.  This quarter doesn’t do anything.  It just stays there- immobile, unfeeling, unrepentant.  Anyway, attached to the quarter slot apparatus is a key that opens the apparatus and allows you to retrieve your quarter.  Because they are pretty certain you will want your quarter back.  There is a catch, however.  The chain from your key is too short to open the lock on your cart’s apparatus.  Thus, you must go to the cart area and use the key on one of the other carts to retrieve your ungrateful quarter.

While I am sure you find this story riveting, the upshot is this.  This grocery chain doesn’t pay people to retrieve carts from the parking lot.  To ensure their carts are returned, they count on the fact that people will push their cart all the way back to the store to get their quarter.  It is a fascinating study in human psychology.  I would break it down as “Mine, mine, mine.  Mine quarter.”

Whenever I am at this store, I do not succumb to their mind games.  I return the cart, but I leave the quarter in the slot.  In your buccaneer face.  You can have my damn quarter.  I am not a Pavlovian subject pushing carts around for your amusement.  Pow Pow Pow…er to the people.

If you haven’t noticed, people tend to bitch about their taxes.  A lot and constantly.  Apparently, they feel as if they shouldn’t be paying any.  Something about government overreach and a snake on a flag and the Second Amendment.   Anyway, whenever I hear these tax complaints, I think of quarters in carts.  Because taxes and cart quarters are designed to do the same thing.  That is, to make people do what they ought to do but won’t if they are not compelled to do so.  I mean, is it really necessary for someone to trick you with a quarter in order for you to push your damn cart back into the rack?

The answer, of course, is yes.  A thousand times, Yes.  Why else go through the expense of outfitting every cart with a quarter carrier?  And have you seen how overweight people are?  They are only exercising for cash.  Now, if only we can somehow find a quarter- metaphorical or literal- that will make people pay their taxes without thinking about it.

I have it.  Everyone has to overpay their taxes by one dollar.  No exceptions.  The only way to get your dollar back- your hard earned dollar that is definitely yours and no one else’s- is to sign a tax oath.  This tax oath not only states that you didn’t cheat, but also that you will not at any point in the upcoming year complain to anyone, anywhere about your taxes.  If you do…Pooof!  There goes your dollar.

And that dollar is yours.  Yours, yours, yours.  Don’t forget that.  The government does not have any right to it.  At all.  It is yours.

You probably think this won’t work because people will renege.  But MO is way ahead of you.  Again.  And forever.  What we do is create a Tax Reneger Hotline.  Hear somebody complain- call it in.  Then you get their dollar.

Because if greed is good, then tattling and greed is even better.  Throw in some sex and violence and you have American Nirvana.  If there was such a thing.  But there isn’t.  This is a Christian Heaven Only Country, like the Founding Fathers intended.

Don’t tread on me with your ridiculous Buddhist references.