This is Jesus speaking.  Baby Jesus.  Though it doesn’t really matter what Jesus I am.  It’s really all an illusion to enable you simpletons to relate to me.  I’m kind of like the clown in Stephen King’s It.  Anyway, enough metaphysical chitchat.  I’ve things to do, you know.  You have a lot to live up to when you are the Son of God.  I mean, I have to be perfect.  No missed layups or failed tests for me.  I never get things wrong.  Ever.

Since this is true, I want to settle a few issues for you people on Earth.  The first thing is that I am a socialist.  Because I hear some of you saying I condone capitalism.  Did you even read the book?  I think some people need to work on their reading comprehension.  What part of my story don’t you understand?  I gave up working to preach the word.  How do you think I lived with no job?  By the charity of others, that’s how.  Welfare, by any other name.  Do you think I would be so hypocritical as to cut Social Security?  I’m perfect.  I can’t be hypocritical.  Also, why would I make gay people and then condemn them to hell for being as I made them?  Does that make any sense to you?  I am a logical god.  This isn’t some willy-nilly half-assed operation we are running here.

I also hear some of you are worshipping false gods.  Flying Spaghetti Monster ring a bell?  Muffet’s Orange is a false prophet.  Sorry to burst your bubble.  I mean, the next thing you know he will be talking about golden plates and the lost tribe of Israel.  I’ve been around for 2500 years- minimum.  Somebody made up the Flying Spaghetti Monster twenty five years ago as a joke.  Not funny.  Blaspheming bitches.

A Note from Thor

You should talk, you little panty waist.  I’m perfect.  I’m not a hypocrite.  You ever hear of the flood?  Lot’s wife turning to a pillar of salt?  Also, if you were only going to throw Lucifer into the Pit, why in the hell let him think he was going to take over heaven?  Fail.  All-powerful.  The One god.  Why don’t you pick up a hammer like a man?  Thooooorrrrrrrrr!!

A  Response from Zeus

I predate both of you clowns.  Thor, you even stole my thunderbolt idea.  Viking punk.  Get a haircut.  You look like a girl.

An Edict from Ra

Ra, the Sun God, here.  I changed all of your dirty diapers.  Sun God.  You ever see the pyramids?  That’s what I’m talking about.  What have you guys gotten the humans to do?  They made the pyramids without computers or the wheel.  That took some serious inspiration.  Sun God power, yell it louder.

Interruption from Baby Jesus

I can see this train has run off the rails.  You know, there’s a reason you guys are considered mythology now.  No vision.  And who let these guys in here?  Was that you, Muffet’s Orange?  You know, sometimes you really piss me off.  Don’t be surprised if you get Lyme’s disease this spring.  Just sayin’.

Aside from the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Free meatballs.

Yes, there are tofu ones as well.  The last thing I’d want to do is to offend anyone.

Hey, baby Jesus, wipe your face off.  Good Me.