I hear the Republicans in Texas are going to vote on Secession.  I put “Secession” with a capital “S” because they really mean it this time.  They are mad as hell and they are going to take it anymore.  Y’all.  Fixin’ fer a fight, as the Texans put it (or so I have heard- I’ve never been to Texas).

Apparently, the folks down Texas way have a truck with the taxes they are paying.  Too much they say.  Federal government is overstepping its bounds they say.  Yeehaw and Howdy they say.  Interestingly, the federal government is actually paying more to Texas than Texas is paying out.  Dangnabbit, Texas.  You are a welfare state.  Everything is bigger in Texas.  Even deficits.

One can assume, however, that once Texans get full control of Texas they will immediately be able to turn their economic fortunes around.  Pow Pow Pow.  Just imagine all of those little Yosemite Sams shooting their guns in the air while they make fiscal policy.  Pow pow pow.  No taxes for anyone!  That’ll balance these here books right up.

Unfortunately, it might not be that easy for Texas to secede.  What about the Dallas Cowboys?  They are America’s team.  I think I smell a lawsuit brewing.  For that matter, what about the Houston Texans?  Will Texas have to create an alternate to the NFL?  It’s not impossible I suppose.  Look at Canada.  But not for too long or you’ll go snow blind.  Either that or  turn into an Eskimo.  One of the two.

Texas will also need a new system of government.  After all, they don’t like ours.  May I suggest a hereditary monarchy?  We haven’t had one of those around these parts for quite some time.  The Bush family would be the obvious choice.  I can see George W. and Laura being led into the Cowboys stadium for the inaugural game of the TFL (Texas Football League).  Their national anthem could be “Don’t Mess with Texas.”  It is so beautiful in my imagination.  And only white folk for as far as the eye can see.  It is like an ocean of magnolias.

Austin.  Now there’s a burr in the saddle.  How in the hell did a liberal outpost end up in the middle of Texas?  And become the capital!  It’s a damn conspiracy from those northern liberals.  No matter.  Austin can be its own country inside of Texas.  Kind of like Luxembourg or the Vatican.  Austinbourgacan.  Move the capital to Lubbock and be done with it.

Texas might also think about a new name to celebrate their change.  You know, kind of like when a man name Phil Scott has a sex change and changes his/her name to Destiny Starr.  (Lone Star?  I’m just throwing mud on the wall.)  Not that Texas in any way condones that sort of behavior.  Believe you me that there will be no homosexuality, transgender living, or Charles Darwin in the country of Lone Star.

Anyway, may I be the first to wish the country of Lone Star luck.  Though I do have some bad news for you.  You are sitting on a whole bunch of oil.

And you know what that means.

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