No list of hated fictional characters would be complete without the Smurfs.  So, I’ll start with them.  But I will ignore all the obvious and instead focus on science.  How in the hell do you end up with 42 males and one female?  Does that make any sense whatsoever?  What happens when the males feel frisky?  Family style with Smurfette?  And is that the kind of thing that we want to be teaching our children?  We teach children that it is cool to blow other people’s brains out.  Pow Pow Pow.  We don’t teach them about the sex parties of blue fairies.

Edward Cullen.  Dumb name, dumb writer, dumb premise.  Humans are prey (or potential fellow vampires) to vampires.  That’s it.  They don’t have love stories with people.  That would be like a person having a love story with a hamburger.  While I am sure that has happened, nobody wrote a book about it.  They filed it away under “shit that no one is ever told under any circumstances.”  Speaking of that, is Papa Smurf the father of Smurfette?  Just asking the question.

Jar Jar Binks.  Just die.  I want to see Jar Jar dried up and smashed flat like a three day dead frog in the highway.

Any character played by Jennifer Lopez ever.  You are not an actress.  In fact, when that kid was stalking you I was rooting for him.  That’s how bad you are.  I rooted for a crazed maniac to kill your character.

Santa Claus in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  First, you blow Rudolph off ,but not before ridiculing him in front of everyone else.  This sets off a series of events where Rudolph is nearly killed by a Bumble.  Fortunately, Bumbles bounce.  And easily submit to dental work.  Regardless, Santa fucks Rudolph over royally.  Right until a storm comes up and it looks like there will be no Christmas.  And if there isn’t a Christmas then somebody has to wait a whole another year to get his ego stroked.  So, the fatass elf in the red suit decides that Rudolph and his nose are awfully important.  Dick.

Rudolph.  Show some self-respect.  If I was you, I would have speared Santa in his tiny Elfin testicles.  And then say, “Have Fireball get you through this storm, dick.”

Unicorns.  To be honest, I only hate you because of how you have been exploited by little girls everywhere.  In real life, you may be a charismatic, macho horse creature who does in evildoers by skewering them with your horn.  Giving them the ol’ corkscrew, you call it.  Instead, you come in pink and pewter and have glitter all over your body.  And you are always standing in front of a rainbow.  It might not be your fault, but I hate you anyway.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  I hate you because I had to watch your first movie like 73 times to placate my then small child.  I also hate you because the idea of mutant, pizza eating, crime fighting turtles whose Sensei is a rat is only slightly less stupid than a 108 year old vampire trying to get on a 16 year old girl.  And playing vampire baseball in a thunderstorm.  What?  The balls would explode if you hit them that hard.  Does physics mean nothing to Mormon writers?

Jesus.  What hero ever dies halfway through the book?  That’s like Cool Hand Luke dying in the box.  Or from egg poisoning.  And then blaming his dad.

Freddy Krueger.  I lost a lot of sleep when I was fourteen because of you.  Just so you know, I was rooting for Jason the whole time.

Pow.  Jason.  Now that is a cool name.  I don’t hate him at all.  If nothing else, I have never seen anybody walk that fast in my life.

Carrying a machete, no less.