I thought it was a commercial.  But I was wrong.  So utterly wrong.  In fact, there were two guys on ESPN 2 playing Madden football.  With commentators who questioned both of them at halftime of their fake football game.  What in the Flying Spaghetti Monster is this abomination?  Did I mention this is a fake football game?  Ronnie Lott doesn’t play for the Raiders.  He is a man in his fifties with bad knees.  Tony Romo doesn’t play for the Bears.  That is just wishful thinking on the part of a bunch of overweight people with Polish names.  The worst part is that they were analyzing the “play” is if it were something that was actually occurring with actual human beings playing an actual game.

For a little perspective, the “combatants” were known by their nicknames “Problem” and “Stiff.”  (No, I am not making this up.)  If only the commentator’s nickname was “getting” or “keeping.”  Alas, no one has a sense of humor this week.  It is probably the sense of impending doom wafting over from the upcoming election.  Pow Pow Pow.  Hell hasn’t frozen over yet, but the devil has been given his frost warning.

Anyway, I thought it would be cool to put my own team in the MFL (Madden Football League) next year.  Starting at quarterback will be Zeus.  Flash will be my halfback and the Hulk will play fullback.  The professor wearing Flubber shoes will be at one wide receiver slot.  I am thinking Riddick will play safety.  I can imagine the halftime interview now:

Commentator:  Maximus (my nickname), you seem to have run up a substantial lead in the first half.  What was your strategy?

Maximus (me):  Well, Keeping, early on we kept giving the Hulk the ball.  His life mantra of smashing puny humans really gives him the drive to put that ball in the old end zone.  Of course, Flash can’t really be seen when he runs fast, so that fly sweep has been pretty effective as well.  Defensively, Darth Vader has really controlled the game from his middle linebacker position.  The Jedi mind trick has resulted in four consecutive interceptions.  Not to mention the time where he choked the running back to death with his Sith powers.  Fum-bllleeeee!  Whowhee, Keeping.  Things are going well.

Keeping (commentator):  What do you plan to do in the second half, Maximus?

Maximus (me):  You know, I’m thinking of putting Bilbo Baggins in for the second half kickoff.  He has that invisibility ring you know.  Now you see him….now you don’t.  And we might move the Hulk around a bit on offense.  I’d like to get him the ball in a position where he can run down Ronnie Lott.  I always hated that guy back in the 80’s.  I also have OJ on the bench for a little change of pace.  Young, good looking, Hertz plugging OJ.  Though I do have murdering OJ over on defense in case things get ugly.  He and Riddick make a hell of a one-two punch at the safety position.

For cheerleaders, I will have some of those Japanese anime women.  From the PG Japanese comic books, not that other stuff.  You know, what is it with those Asian guys and cartoon women?  Weird.

They could just look at real women on the Internet.

This reminds me that I could put a couple of Ninjas on my team.  And Godzilla.  He would make a great D-lineman.  Go, go Godzilla (sing the Japanese cartoon characters).  And then Godzilla eats up a bunch of Smurfs that have been stuffed into a giant Blue Gatorade bottle.

There goes Tokyo… Smurf.  Go, go Godzilla.

Hulk Smash.