In our last interlude, I mentioned that Wild Horses by the Sundays is a great song.  Our readership responded that while that may be true, the song Wildfire by Michael Martin Murphey is a horrible song.  Generally, I find my readership to be rather base and ill-tempered and probably not deserving of my acknowledgement.  However, in this instance I must heartily agree that both Wildfire and its alliterative author should pretty much be banned from existence.

“There’s been a hoot owl howling by my window now for six days in a row?”  WTF?  Owls don’t howl, genius.  They hoot.  You even called it a “hoot owl.”  And why did you find it necessary to write a song about a horse lost in a snowstorm?  That isn’t tragic.  It is negligent horse ownership.  It should have been called “Susie Has No Damn Brains and Needs to Take Some Accountability for Her Actions Before She Ends Up on the Street with a Needle in Her Arm.”

This heroin burns like Whyyyyy-aisle-Fir-errrrrrr.  Anyway, Wildfire makes my bottom 5 of all-time shitty songs.  Number 4 on the list?  Achy-Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus.

Even among country music, this tune stands out as a golden turd.  First of all, it was sung by a guy in a cut off shirt wearing a mullet.  It is a rule in life that anything associated with guys in cut off shirts and wearing mullets is probably bad.  YouTube is stuffed full of these clowns running their four wheeler off a cliff or running over their sister with their monster truck.

“You can tell your ma I move to Arkansas” isn’t that profound.  “Myself already knows I’m not okay?”  What?  No learn English in West Virginia thinks myself.  Regardless, the song sounds like it was written by a dumb eight year old.  Stop tryin’ to rhyme, your song is a crime.  See how annoying that is?

In third place stands the Thong Song.  Honestly, the first half dozen times I heard it played I thought it was a novelty song.  Or that Weird Al Yankovic was parodying some rap song I didn’t know.  Incorrect, myself.  It was a serious effort.  And a monumental failure.  “Thong, thong, thong, thong.”  Gong.

Speaking of lyrics, try this one on for size.

She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Baby move your butt, butt, butt
I think I’ll sing it again

Do us a favor.  Never sing it again.  Also, what are dumps?  Speaking of rhyming (and an Honorable Mention) – my humps, my humps, my humps, my humps, my humps.  This lyric only makes sense if you are a camel.  Or a deformed Parisian bell ringer.

Number 2?  A tie!  Islands in the Stream and Ebony and Ivory.  Both are horrid songs sung by people who should have known better.  Why?  You were all rich and famous.  There was no need for this.  No need at all.

And the worst song ever?  Hey 19 by Steely Dan (which is also the worst band ever).  This song makes me want to vomit.  And why did you have to drag Aretha Franklin into it?  She should have sued.

I know I would like to.

Want to hear a good lyric?

“Grandpa pissed his pants again, he don’t give a damn.  Brother Billy’s got both guns drawn, he ain’t been right since Viet-nam.”  That’s what I’m talking about, Warren Zevon.

Awooooooooooooooooooo.  And a pow pow pow.