It is said that “a rose by any other name doth smell as sweet.”  I don’t know what clown said this, but the upshot is that names don’t matter.  This bit of conventional wisdom is complete and demonstrable bullshit.  For example, Hitler’s last name was almost Schicklgruber.  So, instead of “Heil, Hitler!!!”  it would have been “Heil, Schicklgruber?”  Thus ends demonstration.

The reason I bring this up is because we were watching the Olympics- the 100 meter dash to be exact.  If you are not familiar, the greatest sprinter in the world is a Jamaican named Usain Bolt.  This, of course, is a great name for the world’s fastest man.  It’s like the universe just knew he was going to be fast.  Otherwise, his name would have been Todd Schmidt.  I can’t say for sure that a man named Todd Schmidt couldn’t be the world’s fastest man.  But I can’t say for sure otherwise.  Anyway, one can assume that Usain’s parents were aware of his potential speediness.  And they already had the “Bolt” part taken care of.  So it was kind of like shooting fish in a barrel.

When people get into trouble is when they give a child a name that may not be so appropriate once that child grows to adulthood.  For example, I was at a gas station once where the attendant was named Thor.  Unfortunately, this Thor was about 5’7 and 140 pounds with a thinning mullet and a neck tattoo and one of those shitty mustaches that really isn’t a mustache but wants to be.  He also had a pronounced lisp.

“Heresch your change,” Thor said.  And the heavens did not shake.

“Thanks,” I said.  “Thor.”

Thor nodded and gave me a half smile.  His mouth was full of stunted, caramel colored teeth.  He had no hammer.

“You’re welcome,” he said and then scratched at his scrawny neck.  I wondered if he had stolen the name tag from some former employee- an employee with rippling muscles and long, flowing locks.  Carrying Mjolnor.

But no other Thor did I find.  I will bet money this Thor’s last name was Schicklgruber.

I will also bet money that Thor Schicklgruber has taken his fair share of abuse from other people.  Poor Thor.  I wonder if he has ever thought of changing his name.  And if he is married.  If so, I’ll bet his wife’s name is Shania.  Shania Shicklgruber.  Hey, that is alliterative!  Much like “Heil, Hitler”.

It’s a hell of a lot better name than North West.  What kind of idiot names a kid after a compass direction?  Yipes.

Anyway, if you’re reading this Thor, I don’t want you to think your name is a curse.  It isn’t.  More like a burden that you can do nothing about.  My only advice is to not name your child after yourself.  Thor 2.  Well, maybe.  Thor, Too.  Just trying it on for size.  After all, you have survived I suppose.  I suppose you could go with Mjolnir.  That way his name would always be mysterious because no one could pronounce it.

I’m just trying to help.  At least you know what to wear for Halloween, Thor.  Todd Schmidt has no idea at all.

And that is just sad.

Poor Thor, however, is a rhyme.  From the famous poem that begins , “Poor, Thor, shut the door, he had no money for a high class whore…”

And it just goes on from there.

The reason he had no money is because he works at a gas station in Stoddard, Wisconsin.