Phew!  It’s been a while.  I’m sure you missed me.  It is okay to admit it.  The MO is all about building community.

Maybe you wonder where I had gone.  It is quite the story, I assure you.  You see, the MO was minding his own business when Pow!  Pow!  Powpowpow!!!  The MO was suddenly being whisked down a wormhole towards a strange, and decidedly melon-hued, universe.

“What in the hell is this,” I said when I finally came to a stop.  Certainly this certainly was rude.  I have other things to do rather than gallivanting around parallel universes.  (Yay for you, M-theory dorks.  It must be nice to be right for once.  Now, if you can only knock off a piece once in a while you can rule the world.  But I’m not holding my breath on that one.  Jesus, you guys are annoying.  On the other hand, we can now piss on all the string theory books.  Pissssssssss.  Back to teaching Freshman Physics, Mortimer.  Play that one on your imaginary, giant celestial fiddle.)

Anyway, this universe was like ours in most ways.  Well, except the fact that everything was orangeish.  And they had a word that rhymed with orange.  And Donald Trump is still doing reality television in their universe.  They laughed like hell when I told them.
“You must be a bunch of morons,” they chortled.

“At least we can tell carrots and dildos apart,” I replied.  We agreed that both of us have a good point.  Though, they did point out that mistakenly using vegetables for sex play is not quite as serious as allowing a moron access to the nuclear codes.  To this logic, I humbly submit.

After a while, I got used to everything being orange.  It really was no different than wearing tinted sunglasses.  The people there were really nice.  Of course, it is a lot easier to be nice in their world.  Somehow, they have managed to avoid a fair amount of shitty history.  For example, in the Orangeverse Hitler gets syphilis from a whore while he was trying to be an artist in Vienna.  By 1939 he is incapacitated.  The whole Third Reich collapsed on the eve of the Polish invasion.  Venereal Pow.  Many a Pollack in the Orangeverse owes their life to the orange vagina of some unnamed trollop.

The people of the Orangeverse also manage to avoid the great smallpox outbreak that kills two thirds of the world’s population.  In the Orangeverse, vaccination has always been mandatory.  Jenner is a damned hero.  They have statues of him everywhere, shooting a syringe into the ass of a crying child while his long, flowing locks flutter in the wind.  It is quite heroic.

Not that Jenner, dumbass.  For Christ’s sake.  And, no, I will not make that joke.  I mean it.  I have returned from the Orangeverse a better, more urbane individual.  (Ok.  I’ll meet you halfway.  Bruce Jenner, javelins, asses.  Happy?  I should be ashamed of myself.  Certainly, you should.)

Curiously, there is no Muffet’s Orange in the Orangeverse.  Yes, I found it ironic as well.  No matter.  One universe is enough.  I’m happy here.

What’s that?  No, there hasn’t been a great smallpox outbreak lately.  I suppose I should mention the Orangeverse is running a few years ahead of us.  Apparently, the universes aren’t strictly parallel.  Some universes run a little fast, some a little slow.  I guess it is just the way it is.

If you are looking for a moral to the story, there isn’t one.  Maybe vaccinate your children?  Vote Democrat?  It could be don’t run a police sweep of Viennese whorehouses when there is a potential mass murderer on the loose.

Yes, they did throw me out.  Something about being snarky and unsympathetic to others.  At least I flipped them off on my way to the wormhole.  If there is anything that epitomizes the Earthling of this universe, it is the futile and childish gesture.

Pow. Pow. Pow.