Not too long ago, three people were killed in one day in India.  Guess how they died?  Forget it, you’ll never guess in a million years.  They were killed by kite strings.  Time to update the old Thousand Ways to Die movie.  If you ever watch a Thousand Ways to Die you’ll have two takeaways.  The first is that people are so stupid.  The second is that you probably only have a few weeks to live before you are crushed by a round bale, or contract a rare heart virus, or step on a wasp’s nest that has been hidden in your bathroom all this time.  Your wife wanted you to fix that lock so the bathroom door won’t stick at an inopportune time.  But you did not listen and now the insect venom is taking its toll.  Pow Pow Pow.  Our six legged foes are everywhere.  Bzzzzzzzzzz.  Bzzzzzzzzz.

Anyway, in India they coat kite strings with powdered glass.  This is not something that I personally would have imagined to be a good idea.  But what do I know?  I am not an Indian.  I am a human be-ingggggg.  Elephant Man jokes never get old.  The funny thing about the Elephant Man is that I don’t think he looks like an Elephant at all.  Maybe that was another Elephant Man joke.

If you were not already aware, glass can be sharp.  In fact, it will occasionally cut a throat or two (three, in this case).  Needless to say, three people having their throats cut in one day tends to draw the attention of the authorities.

“Glass kite strings are a terrible idea!” they bellow.  And then they call for immediate kite reform.

What these Indian kite reformers do not understand is that the deaths by kite string, while seemingly unfortunate, were the will of the FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster).  For reasons that surpass understanding, the FSM wanted these three Indians gone.  No human can no why.

My best guess is that the FSM is just trying to suggest population control.  Like Spock, the FSM believes that the “needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few…or one.”  It’s logical.  What isn’t logical is making kite strings out of glass.  Good thing we have a supernatural explanation to fall back on.

Hang on a second, the MO is getting an update from his Indian correspondent, Todd.  Todd says that these glass strings are used in kite fighting.  He also notes that this is not the first time anybody has been killed or injured by them.  Todd says that those are the vicissitudes of kite flying.  Everybody knows the risks.  Todd is such a typical, cynical Asian person.  Regardless, thank you very much and have a good day, Todd.

Todd just flipped me off.  I guess Todd is a Hindu.  Or Buddhist.  One of those pussy religions.  If you were a real man, you would challenge me to a fight instead of merely giving me the finger.  You don’t want any of this, Todd.  I’ll eff your shit up, Todd.  I’m like an orange Monsoon.  And that rain is your blood.

Sorry about that.  Those Indian people are a bunch of malcontents.  Ask the British.  I wonder if the British are the ones making glass kite strings.  It sounds like something they would do.  If they still had manufacturing- which they don’t.  They even outsourced deadly kite string making.  Somewhere, perhaps in a slum of Liverpool, there is a small English boy, his face covered in grime, his teeth crooked and rotting.  He holds out his hat toward strangers who pass by.

“Alms for the poor, governor?”  the dirty moppet asks.  This poor child has been reduced to begging.  The glass string factory shut down years ago and now there are no jobs for little people with little hands.  And Hogwart’s isn’t taking any applications.  Unfeeling bastards.

I’d like to cut Potter’s head off with a damned kite string.  Pfffffffttttt.

You’re on a roll now, Potter.  Take that, you job killing libtard.