There is a television show called Nashville.  As luck would have it, I was able to watch this show last week.  And it was a two hour special.  My luck cup runneth over.  This show is about country music singers and their problems.  Think a really twangy soap opera.  Anyway, as you may have already surmised, I found this show relatively uninteresting.  That is until I realized that a person can make a country song about almost anything.  What an amazing revelation!  Don’t believe me?  Watch this.

You made me watch your show, I was too much of a pussy to say no,

I’d never seen so much country kitsch anywhere- ere, errrrreeeeee.

But I can’t lose, it kickstarted my muse

And now I know you really care-ere, erreeeeeeeeee.

Trust me, you can do this with most everything.  I changed the channel during a commercial to the Big Ten network where there was a basketball game that was not nearly as interesting as Nashville.  Of course.

Iowa and Nebraska in a basketball fight,

Corncob up your ass tonight.

Then there was the commercial to check your prostate the easy way (this is a true story).  You see, you can take a dump in a bag and send it out for testing to see if you have prostrate problems.  Thank you, Country Music Channel.

She thought it was over, that I couldn’t change,

My life was all set, could not be rearranged,

And then I said I was a man of science,

Didn’t need to leave her anymore,

I shit in a bag, sent it out of the door.

Shit in a bag, shit in a bag, I won’t be leaving her no more. orrrrrr, orrrrrr.

Jist’ don’t want to get none of this shit on the floor. 

This song could also be called The Lament of the UPS Man

My wife left me, my dog run away,

I wear children’s short pants, and drive all day,

I thought it couldn’t get worse, life was too absurd

Then I opened a package and handled another man’s turd.

Anyway, Hayden Paniteire is in Nashville.  She was the short, blond girl from that fine movie, Bring It On.  Hayden is playing a singer who has had too much success, too early, and now has all sorts of problems with drugs and stuff.  In the episode I watched she was in a terrible plane accident.  She was the only survivor.  But her spinal cord was injured and now they didn’t know if she would ever walk again.

It was very touching.  She was helped at the accident scene by a black woman who could really sing.  In her altered state, the Hayden character thought the black woman was an angel, which is completely ridiculous.  Everyone knows angels aren’t black.  This storyline is just another example of Hollywood’s Leftist agenda.

Out in the sticks, we don’t need your Hollywood schtick,

We know what’s right, we know what’s wrong,

That’s why there ain’t no black angels, in a real country song.

You know, I never thought I could like country music.  But I am starting to get the hang of it.  I started drinking at 8am today.  And I don’t have a dog so it is easy to pretend he ran away.  This fictional dog’s name is Duke.  After the real Duke, John Wayne.  There is a song called John Wayne’s Teeth.  True story.

She don’t know I’m drinking, she don’t know I’m drinking,

but that country show got me to thinking,

About life and purpose and the prostrate cancer,

There is no good answer.

So I’ll get drunk and write on my blog.

Oggggg. Oggggg.

Now, for the uplifting part- pause in an artistic way and then sing along with me.

Blogging when I’m drunk, blogging when I’m drunk,

That damned Trump is an effing punk.

I wish I had my own Reality Show-oooo-ooooo.

You never know.