Donald Trump admitted that he thought “it would be easier” being President.  It seems that in his previous life, he “had so many things going” and “this (the Presidency) is more work.  He added that the thing with North Korea is more complex than he thought it was.

Who knew?  After all, every fat guy on a bar stool can tell you how to fix things in this country.  Maybe Donald should go talk to one of them.  I have taken the liberty of making a list below (in case Donald is too busy to hit up the Dew Drop Inn on his way down to Florida):

1- Run the government like a business.  This is so obvious.  The problem is the politicians don’t know how to do finances.  Slurrrrrppp!!! Can I get another one of these over here?

What do you mean, Gene says I need to pay my tab?  I’m good for it.

Well, I don’t have it on me right now.  I’ll have the money when I get my check.

Anyway, Ross Perot had it right.  I loved that guy.  We wouldn’t have any of the problems we have now if he would have got elected.  Run it like a business.

2- Bomb the Middle East into glass.  (You see, sand turns to glass when superheated like, say, when you drop some nuclear bombs on their ass).  I don’t know why we keep pissing around with these guys.  The only thing they understand is a punch in the nose.  We kill all of them, we don’t have any more problems.  Then we just roll in there and take over the oil fields ourselves.

Ahhh.  That stuff on nuclear fallout is a bunch of egghead bullshit.  How do they know?  I mean, it’s never happened.

I heard that Japan stuff was mostly propaganda.  From the liberal media.  Pussies.

3- Make everything a flat tax.  I could change the tax code in fifteen minutes.  Everybody pays a flat rate.  The tax form would be one page for everybody.  No deductions.  Save everybody time and money.

Taxation on income is government overreach.  So, don’t tax that at all, actually.

Yeah, I know I can’t have another drink until I settle my tab.  I already told you I will when my check comes in.  This is bullshit.  I’ve been coming to this bar for twenty years.

The thing is, you make the tax rate the same, then everybody will pay their part.  No more lawyer’s tricks by the big guys.  What?  No.  What’s a progressive tax?

I hate the word progressive.  Dumb.

4- Bomb North Korea to glass.  My grandpa fought in Korea.  He said we should have solved the problem right then.  Could have taken care of the Chinese, too.  Then we wouldn’t have all this cheap shit from over there.

I’m leaving already.  I have to go to WalMart, anyway.  Yeah, I heard you.  The next time I come in, I will settle up.  I know Gene means it.  Everything is about money with you people.  What happened to community values?

5- Allow everyone to carry.  Guns reduce crime.  I sure wouldn’t go robbing people if I knew they might be carrying a gun.  Pull out your old .44 and those gang members will show their true colors.  Bunch of cowards who think nobody will fight back.

I’d like to see one of them try something on me.

I’d put one right in their bean.  Pow.

Pow. Pow. Pow.  Like John Wayne.

6- Fuck building a wall.  Just bomb Northern Mexico to glass.  Nothing will cross that desert for a hundred years.  No drugs, no illegal aliens, nothing.  Problem solved.

Goddammit, I’m leaving.  Tell Gene I will settle up when my check comes in.

I am serious.

7- Give cops more power.  The fake news media is a bunch of garbage.  All we ever hear is one side of the story.  Victims, my ass.

Well, not all of it.  Do I look like I’m made of money?  The damned government takes half my check.  Liberal bullshit, is what it is.

You don’t have to call the cops.  I’m going already.

7- Cops are a bunch of tough guy assholes.  Why should my tax dollars pay for them?  I know one guy, a friend of my cousin, he made like forty grand extra just in overtime.  Who in the hell makes forty grand in overtime?

A government worker, that’s who.  But what do they care?  They ain’t paying for it.  Bullshit.

8- Fire all government workers.  Make them get a real job for once.

Trump should hire me.  I’d straighten that shit out in about ten minutes.  Flat.

I was flipping through the channels the other day when I came upon the old television show, MASH.  Hohoho.  That Hawkeye was irrepressible.  He was also a bit of a sexual harrasser.  Then again, who wasn’t in those days?  It was like Fox News before there was such a thing as Fox News.  I suppose Robert Altman is turning over in his grave right now.  That’s the problem with dying.  You can’t defend yourself.  You just sit in whatever alternative reality there is, watching as assholes on a computer in Wisconsin associate your anti-war production with a bunch of undereducated fascists.  In your face, Bob!  You are powerless to stop the MO.  Then again, who isn’t?

Robert Altman also directed a post-apocalyptic film called Quintet.  In this film everything is cold and icy.  I guess the world is dwindling down to nothing, presumably after a nuclear war.  Perhaps art will imitate life shortly.  Po-to-weet!  But I digress.

Anyway, my favorite actor, Paul Newman, is the main character in this film.  To be honest, it isn’t the best film he has been in.  I have watched it at least four or five times and I am still a little fuzzy on the plot line.  (Hahahahaha.  Inside joke for all of you Quintet watchers.  I make myself laugh.  That is the key to happiness.)  Point being, if you only have a couple of hours, choose another Newman film.  I recommend The Verdict or The Color of Money.  Of course, you could watch Cool Hand Luke, but that is a bit depressing for most days.  “He’s the man with no eyes.”

“No one can eat fifty eggs.”

“Sometimes nothing is a real cool hand.”

Speaking of the apocalypse and North Korea, did you notice that we may be on the brink of a nuclear exchange?  I am not a scientist, but that might be bad.  On the other hand, I have been checking out Amazon.  There are all sorts of Survivalist packages out there.  They have seeds and fancy hatchets and fire starters and water purifiers.  I am strongly thinking about ordering.  Better safe than sorry I always say.  Plus, who can forget the words of the FSM:

“And loeth in the time of the fake orange came pestilence and buffoonery and a pestilence came upon the land.  And no one would stop it because the stock market riseth up and the blood of the seven-eyed monster had not yet stained the land.”

I’m not sure what that means, but it definitely sounds bad.  Oh well, everything has to end sometime.  I’m planning on a post-apocalyptic film movie marathon.  I figure I can pick up a few tips along the way.

Like always watch out for men wearing ass-less chaps.

Or Dennis Hopper.

Though Dennis Hopper was truly awesome in Hoosiers.

“Regional championship, down one, let her fly…. In and out.”

Somewhere in that quote is a metaphor for humanity.  (The Orange is much deeper than you imagine.  Unfathomable, really.)  I’d figure it out but the Jerry Springer show is on pretty soon.

I really want to know if Zach is the baby’s mama.

“Jerry, Jerry, Jerry…”

In man’s early history, there were no such things as grocery stores or Kwik Trips or church picnics.  Illegal aliens did not pick vegetables for you.  If you wanted to eat, you had to get it yourself.  This meant digging tubers and picking berries and spearing mastodons.  Occasionally, it meant killing and eating one’s fellow man.  Take my word for it, cannibalism is a hell of a lot better than trying to live off of pine needles and tree bark.  All that roughage just doesn’t sit well.  Plus, it doesn’t have much nutritional value.

Speaking of nutritional value, a scientist has calculated how many calories a human body would yield.  (The scientist was from England, so what do you expect?  The English are so eccentric.  Tea and Crumpets.)  Anyway, it turns out that an arm would supply about 1800 calories.  We are talking a prehistoric man’s arm, not some fat Packer fan’s arm.  That would supply about 12,000 calories.  And taste like beer and bacon.

Anyway, a human heart is worth approximately 750 calories which is about half of what the liver would provide.  Each leg yields 7,150 calories.  Yummm!! Check out those gams.  I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.  All told, a human male has 81,500 calories worth of food stuff.

In contrast, a horse contains more than 200,000 calories.  Then again, who would eat a horse.  Prehistoric people, I suppose.  And horse haters.  I don’t care for horses much.  They frighten me.  Thus, I would never get close enough to them to club them over the head.  If someone else did it, I might try some horse steak.  I should weave a Godfather reference in here somewhere, but I don’t have the energy.

Medium well.  At least.  In prehistoric times, there were no doctors.  A little bit of salmonella was a killer.  Though, they probably only ate people in the winter.  The cold weather made salmonella unlikely.  And if you are starving you probably aren’t going to worry about whether or not the meat is tainted.  Additionally, prehistoric man had no knowledge of microbes or any other scientific mumbo jumbo.  Prehistoric men were all Republicans.  Just skinnier.

Speaking of fat people, according to an article in the journal JAMA it seems that fewer Americans are trying to lose weight.  This is spite the fact that obesity rates are rising.

Wait a second.  In reality, these two statements are cause and effect.  Stupid JAMA.  Always get a second opinion.  Preferably from the MO.

Anyway, the CDC says that two in three Americans are obese or overweight.  That’s a lot of tonnage.  One theory is that what many people perceive as “overweight” has become a “normal weight.”  In other words, if you don’t want to lose weight, just pretend that neither you nor anyone else is fat.  Hahaha.  In your face, CDC!

If it bothers you that so many people are getting so fat, consider that it is easier to look skinny.  Moreover, the faster everyone else dies, the better chance you have of collecting on your social security.  Plus, if the world is suddenly cast into a Post-apocalyptic nightmare, fat people will be easy to run down.  And think of the caloric value!  As much as a horse and way less dangerous.  Just lure them in with a bag of donuts and clunk them on the head.  Clunk!  Ram an apple into their mouths and on the spit they go.

Suddenly, I am feeling quite hungry.  Is that weird?  I do have a little English ancestry.  Not that cannibalism has a nationality.  I wouldn’t want to unnecessarily disparage anyone’s character.

It would be quite difficult to lure people in if you had just disparaged them.

Picante sauce.

(Noise that Hannibal Lecter makes toward Clarice.)

Do you know how hard it is not to make a joke about Jody Foster?  But I must have some sort of limit on vulgarity.  I’ll tell you what.  I will put the words in random order and you can figure it out.  That makes it a puzzle.  Everybody likes puzzles.  I’ll give you a hint, too.  Jody is a lesbian.

Out.  Like. Be.  To. Eating.  All.  With.  That.  A.  Cannibal.  Be.  Jody.  Would.  Bet.  I.  Will.

Phew!  That was like Yoda telling a dirty joke.  Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmmm.

I wonder if Yoda eats people.  He does have jagged, meat-eating type teeth.