In man’s early history, there were no such things as grocery stores or Kwik Trips or church picnics.  Illegal aliens did not pick vegetables for you.  If you wanted to eat, you had to get it yourself.  This meant digging tubers and picking berries and spearing mastodons.  Occasionally, it meant killing and eating one’s fellow man.  Take my word for it, cannibalism is a hell of a lot better than trying to live off of pine needles and tree bark.  All that roughage just doesn’t sit well.  Plus, it doesn’t have much nutritional value.

Speaking of nutritional value, a scientist has calculated how many calories a human body would yield.  (The scientist was from England, so what do you expect?  The English are so eccentric.  Tea and Crumpets.)  Anyway, it turns out that an arm would supply about 1800 calories.  We are talking a prehistoric man’s arm, not some fat Packer fan’s arm.  That would supply about 12,000 calories.  And taste like beer and bacon.

Anyway, a human heart is worth approximately 750 calories which is about half of what the liver would provide.  Each leg yields 7,150 calories.  Yummm!! Check out those gams.  I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.  All told, a human male has 81,500 calories worth of food stuff.

In contrast, a horse contains more than 200,000 calories.  Then again, who would eat a horse.  Prehistoric people, I suppose.  And horse haters.  I don’t care for horses much.  They frighten me.  Thus, I would never get close enough to them to club them over the head.  If someone else did it, I might try some horse steak.  I should weave a Godfather reference in here somewhere, but I don’t have the energy.

Medium well.  At least.  In prehistoric times, there were no doctors.  A little bit of salmonella was a killer.  Though, they probably only ate people in the winter.  The cold weather made salmonella unlikely.  And if you are starving you probably aren’t going to worry about whether or not the meat is tainted.  Additionally, prehistoric man had no knowledge of microbes or any other scientific mumbo jumbo.  Prehistoric men were all Republicans.  Just skinnier.

Speaking of fat people, according to an article in the journal JAMA it seems that fewer Americans are trying to lose weight.  This is spite the fact that obesity rates are rising.

Wait a second.  In reality, these two statements are cause and effect.  Stupid JAMA.  Always get a second opinion.  Preferably from the MO.

Anyway, the CDC says that two in three Americans are obese or overweight.  That’s a lot of tonnage.  One theory is that what many people perceive as “overweight” has become a “normal weight.”  In other words, if you don’t want to lose weight, just pretend that neither you nor anyone else is fat.  Hahaha.  In your face, CDC!

If it bothers you that so many people are getting so fat, consider that it is easier to look skinny.  Moreover, the faster everyone else dies, the better chance you have of collecting on your social security.  Plus, if the world is suddenly cast into a Post-apocalyptic nightmare, fat people will be easy to run down.  And think of the caloric value!  As much as a horse and way less dangerous.  Just lure them in with a bag of donuts and clunk them on the head.  Clunk!  Ram an apple into their mouths and on the spit they go.

Suddenly, I am feeling quite hungry.  Is that weird?  I do have a little English ancestry.  Not that cannibalism has a nationality.  I wouldn’t want to unnecessarily disparage anyone’s character.

It would be quite difficult to lure people in if you had just disparaged them.

Picante sauce.

(Noise that Hannibal Lecter makes toward Clarice.)

Do you know how hard it is not to make a joke about Jody Foster?  But I must have some sort of limit on vulgarity.  I’ll tell you what.  I will put the words in random order and you can figure it out.  That makes it a puzzle.  Everybody likes puzzles.  I’ll give you a hint, too.  Jody is a lesbian.

Out.  Like. Be.  To. Eating.  All.  With.  That.  A.  Cannibal.  Be.  Jody.  Would.  Bet.  I.  Will.

Phew!  That was like Yoda telling a dirty joke.  Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmmm.

I wonder if Yoda eats people.  He does have jagged, meat-eating type teeth.