“And the world would be beset on all sides by Reality TV and Baby Daddy’s and there would be Fake News and Rumors of Fake News.  And an Orange Man would start a great war between the West and the East.  And it would be a huge war.  And also very sad.  But still the best war, the very beautiful, best war.  Loweth the bar and the bar loweth ever further until pestilence and Maury Povich lay heavy over the land.”

As told to by the FSM to the prophet MO in a dream after eating spicier than usual tacos

Guess what?  Scientists think that we are currently in the middle of the sixth great extinction.  Pow!  Pow Pow Pow!!!!  No more Australian pupfishes left.  Whatever the hell they were in the first place.  Some bats also have left the building recently.  Exterminated for good.  Most people don’t really like bats, anyway.

Despite this seemingly gloomy bit of news from some killjoy scientists (Don’t they every have anything positive to say?  Lighten up, Poindexters.  Scientists are entirely the reason that I don’t want to read anything.  Too depressing.), there is hope.  The Rapture is coming soon.  God means it this time.  Did you ever see how many homosexuals are running around?  A clear indicator of Armageddon if ever I have seen one.  I suppose I have probably seen many indicators of Armageddon, but I just didn’t know what I was looking at.

Anyway, with the approach of the Rapture, it might be nice to take stock and list all of the accomplishments of mankind.  Imagine one of those graduation montages from high school.  The music in the background is The Way We Were.  On a loop because this might take a while.

Look there, our most distant terrestrial ancestor is climbing out of the ooze to breed.  And then he gets eaten by a frightening dinosaur.  But not before spreading his all-important seed.  Pow!  The line of mankind is assured.  In your face, dinosaurs.  Actually, there is an asteroid coming that truly will be in your face.   At least the ash thrown into the atmosphere will be in your face.  It was your own fault, really.  You had millions of years to figure out some sort of underground bunker system and you failed miserably.  No opposable thumbs.  Gee, you were dumbs.

Moving forward in our video, we see the first mammal worth noting.  It is a small shrew/squirrel/monkey thing.  Not much to look at.  Kind of like Chris Kattan.  But funnier.  Much funnier.  Look out, grandpa!  He was taken away by a giant flying eagle thing.  Now, he is being fed to the young of that giant flying eagle thing.  Luckily, his female was in heat the previous week.  Lucky for us, not him.  He is being disemboweled while still alive by screeching adolescent birds.  The joke is on them, though.  Our ancestor was infected with a virus.  All of those birds will be dead within a fortnight.  Score one for the mammals!

Fire.  Wahoo!  Botulism deaths take a tumble.  We also learn to burn large swaths of forest.  This is a valuable lesson that ultimately leads to ethanol.  Which is clogging up the carburetors in every small engine that I own.  Thanks, Iowa.  Another reason to hate your state.  That and it is flat and conservative and smells like pig shit.  Why would anyone even live there?  I wouldn’t.  My wife also says Iowans are terrible drivers.  Probably because they are distracted by the despair of living in Iowa.  It is just a theory.

What’s going on now?  How come the screen is black?  Where is the AV kid at?

I don’t know.  I can never figure out why in the hell this thing stops working.  It shouldn’t for what we paid for it.  We were just getting to the good parts.  I have that video where Bruce Jenner wins the Decathlon.  That was awesome.

Can somebody please shut off that idiot song?  I don’t know.  I didn’t pick it.  Probably somebody from the 70’s.  Nice decade, by the way.  Nixon, the Vietnam War, and bell bottoms.  Way to contribute.

Yeah.  At least the 80’s had Hair bands.  And the rise of the 49ers.  You ever heard of Joe Montana?  Idiot.  Ok.  I’ll give you the beer commercial thing.  But that’s it.

I would have done a dry run of this slideshow.  But I thought the world would be over by now.  My bad.  You know, I was just trying to do something nice.  It’s not the end of the world.

Hahahahaha.  Not the end of the world.  And then the horns start blaring.

I am just kidding.

I find life a lot more palatable if we can joke about things once in a while.

I do admit, however, that the whole Bruce Jenner thing disturbs me a bit.  I even asked my mom to buy Wheaties.  But she bought Rice Krispies instead.

Snap, Crackle, Pop.