As you know, I like to mix it up a little.  The MO refuses the pab that feeds the masses.  Anyway, I was looking up the lyrics for the song Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell.  (Hey, they are reputable.  They sang Tainted Love you know.  That got put into a commercial.)  I was reading the lyrics which, I assure you, are wondrous, when suddenly a female voice began speaking from my computer.  As I was wearing headphones and listening to Pandora, her voice was like that of an well-modulated angel.  Or the computer for the USS Enterprise.

The name of this computer?  Angel.  Coincidence or fate?

So this melodious sexpot starts whispering in my hear.

“Warning,” she says.  “Warning.  You have contracted a virus that has corrupted your computer.  Please call the number on the screen for directions.  Your personal information is at risk.”

“Holy shit!” says I.  “That doesn’t sound good.”

Plus, what was I doing looking for the lyrics for Sex Dwarf?  Although it was for purely literary purposes, still I felt a twinge of guilt.  Kind of like when you a teenager and some grown woman bends down in front of you and you really don’t want to look but still you see because how in the hell could you not even though you really didn’t want to and now you are probably going to have a bad life because Karma is a bitch.

“Holy shit,” I repeated as the woman continued to warn me with her breathy words.

Fortunately, I am a bit cynical.  Gathering my wits, I restarted the computer and typed in the phrase “my computer started talking saying I had a virus.”  Lo and behold, it popped right into the suggestion box.

“Scamming bastards!”  I yelled.  Then Backslider by the Toadies came on.  I love that song like a fifth son.

“Come over her, little Backslider.  Father has bought you some new boots.  Don’t you want your goulashes, Backslider?  They are fine goulashes.”

“Thank you, father.  These goulashes fit perfectly.”

“No problem, Backslider.  Only the best for you.”  I whisper like a fake computer scamming computer lady in little Backslider’s ear.  “You are my favorite.”

“I know, father.”

But I digress.  The question is who in the hell has time to make a fake computer lady to trick people into calling a phony number and then taking the calls from these suckers in order to scam them?  That seems like a lot of work.  I thought scams were run in order to get the scammers out of performing drudgery.  These scammers have to be the dumbest bastards in the world.  Well, the second dumbest.  Well, maybe there are sixty million or so people dumber that I can think of offhand.  You know what I am saying.

The problem with calling people “dumb” is that there is a lot of competition.

Yeah, I have some of the lyrics.

On a long black leash
I will parade you
Down the high streets
You’ve got the attraction
You’ve got the pulling power
Walk my doggie
Walk my little sex dwarf
We can make a scene

It’s like Shakespeare.  If Shakespeare was a dominatrix with pierced nipples.

I was going to pierce something else, but I thought better of it.

I am still worried about Karma.

And you’re right.  I have no idea what the name of the Enterprise’s computer is.

I was running the other day.  I had my shirt off because it was hotter than hell.  I was suffering as I leaned into the last hill of my run.  At this point, a car with some teenage boys drove by.  As they passed, they yelled out “Woowooo.”  I presume this was some sort of sarcasm related to my physical shape.  To be honest, it hurt my feelings.  Could they not see how hard I was trying?  It’s not like there were hundreds of men in their late forties running up a steep hill in hot, humid weather.  Little jerks.  I’d like to see how they do in thirty years.

Actually, I’d like to be able to see anything in thirty years.  But if I can, and I drive by one of them while they are running up a hill, I will guarantee they are getting both barrels.

“Come on, chubby,” I will say.  “When I was your age, I sprinted up that hill.”  And then I will laugh my old man’s laugh and continue on to the grocery store to get my prunes.

The funny thing about aging is that it doesn’t seem like it was that long ago when I was the smart-ass in the car.  Actually, I’m lying.  It seems like a long time.  I just don’t want to admit it.  That is why I am still trying to run up a hill in the stifling heat.  I refuse to accept reality.

That’s also why I keep fantasizing about putting those little a-holes in their place.  I want so badly to meet them on the field of battle (in whatever form that might take) and to defeat them decisively.  And then I want to say something both cutting and witty.  I don’t know what exactly that would be.  Maybe something along the line of them having to get their mommy to help them.  I’ll work on it.

Of course, it is very unlikely that I could beat them at any sort of physical endeavor.  Grrrrrrrrrr!  The unfairness of it all.  If only there was a Viagra for playing football.  Take the pill and experience a temporary return to glory.  I’d smash them all down, even if I destroyed my own body in the process.  It would be more than worth it.

Anyway, gotta run.  If I see those kids again, I’m flipping them off.

Or mooning them.  I guarantee that will give them pause in the future.

There is nothing more satisfying that realizing the solution to your dilemma.

 

In case you have not been paying attention (which is likely given your short attention span), there will be an eclipse on Monday.  For those non-scientific types, an eclipse is when a god gets angry and blots out the sun for a while.  In the middle of the day.  Yikes!  Gods really know how to get your attention.  I guess that is why they are gods and not mere mortals.

Anyway, I am giving you this heads-up so that you have time to repent from whatever bad things you have been doing since the last eclipse.  I am figuring this repentance could take a while.  Just trying to help.  Of course, there are no guarantees that the sun will come back out again.  In which case, buckle up your motorcycle helmet.  The End of Days is upon you.  On the bright side, no more taxes.  That should make a lot of people happy.  Corporations, mostly.  Then again, corporations are people, too.  Imagine the repentance some of them will have to undertake.  It will probably be less work to just go to Hades and take their medicine.

If I had it my way, the powers-that-be wouldn’t tell the general public about eclipses.  Just let it be a surprise.  You are going to get a sub for lunch and then Bam!!  Sun’s out.  Hahahaha.  Imagine the mirth of astronomers and other like minded geeks.

“Didn’t see that one coming, did you?”  they would say as people scrambled to make sense of it all.  By “make sense,” I mean searching for a virgin to sacrifice in exchange for continued daylight.

One thing I will guarantee, it would be good to sell short the day before a surprise eclipse.

Anyway, these same scientists say you should not look directly at an eclipse.  Apparently, it can blind you.  Like masturbation but without the payoff.  That being written, I wonder how many people will sneak a peek.  After all, these same scientists are the ones who are pushing the Climate Change thing.  Maybe they are wrong.

Optometrists rejoice!  Business is going to pick up in 96 hours.

In all seriousness, imagine the panic that will ensue when actual Armageddon comes.  I hear it is right around the corner.  I heard that from a guy on one of the Jesus channels.  He had really nice hair.  And a Southern accent.  Not to make generalizations.  Anyway, for a few bucks you can get more information if you are interested.  This guy takes credit cards.

I understand that a lot of people will be traveling to Southwest Iowa/Southeast Nebraska as that is where totality of the eclipse will be achieved.  Apparently, hotels in this area are charging up to a thousand dollars a night.  After all, if the world is going to end you might as well make a few bucks.  In fairness, it will be awhile until the next time there is a total eclipse in Nebraska.  And, without it, nobody really wants to go there.  I know I don’t.  Corn and pigs, corn and pigs, far as the eye can see.

You talk about the end of the world.