Did I ever tell you how much I hate Oprah Winfrey?  No?  Well, it’s a lot.  A entire shitload of hatred.  If you think that is excessive, or even unwarranted, it is because you have not been paying attention.  Prepare for a little lesson about people.  You get a lesson!  And you get a lesson!  And you get a lesson!

Of course, I do my best to avoid this woman.  But she is everywhere.  I was surfing channels and there she was.  And women were fawning all over her.

“Hahahaha.  Oprah, you are so ever droll.”

“Oh, Oprah, you have so much insight.”

“Oprah, do you remember when you were that skinny?”

Ah, yes.  Oprah was talking about her weight.  There was a picture on the screen of Oprah.  The picture was old and Oprah weighed 142 pounds.  Old Oprah was so very proud of herself.  What will power.  What dedication.  She had overcome her demons.

As you know, she only got fat again.  Demons win.  Nope.  She got skinny.  Then fat.  Yay, demons.  Then skinny.  Then fat.

Most people would admit their failure.  But not Oprah.  She said that being skinny was a mistake.

“What??!!”  I screamed at the television.  “A mistake!  You put the food into your maw, you damn Oprah!”

Oprah ignored me.  Like she ignores her failure.  “Yes,” said Oprah.  “You just can’t live that way.  Starving, I mean.”

I bashed my head against the wall.  “Starving?  Starving!!  You weighed 142 pounds.  That isn’t starving unless you are seven foot two.”  I pleaded to the hosts of the show.  “Can’t you see she is duping you?  Listen to me, Sharon Osbourne!”

Sharon Osbourne proved as good at hearing as she was at picking loyal husbands.  “I know it,” she agreed with Oprah.  “You just can’t live that way.”

“Yessssss!!!! Yes, you can live that way.  Millions do.”

But I was shushed by the all-knowing Oprah.  “That wasn’t a life.  It has to be a lifestyle.  If I want a piece of cake, then I want a piece of cake.”  She grinned slyly.  The crowd went wild.  Stupid, stupid women.

“Fraud!  Rotten fraud!!!”  I yelled.  But I was drowned out by the adoration of affluent women who apparently have no job because they are in a studio audience watching Oprah in the middle of the day.  “Wanton freedloaders!”

But my cries were to no avail.  I can’t stop Oprah.  No one can.  She is like an STD of the airwaves for which no prophylactic has been invented.  Oprah has infected millions of followers.  And it just keeps on.  She screws them and leaves them wanting more.  Did anyone of them ever see any of those cars?  I doubt it.  I guess Oprah is acting in another movie.  What talent.

At that point, I turned to another channel.  How much can I take?  I’m sure she eventually got around to giving advice about children and marriage.  And those women just kept egging her on.

She doesn’t have any children.  She is completely, utterly selfish.  Can’t you see that?  Steadman was never going to marry her.  She can’t share.  She is literally incapable of sharing anything with anyone.  Didn’t you ever notice that every single topic eventually comes back to Oprah?  If they talked about Chinese missiles, she would talk about the time she was in a Chinese restaurant and the waiter threw something to her.  Dammit to hell!!!

If I come up missing, you know what happened.  Let the world know.