Well, that was a long nap. I guess I was sort of sleepy. Fourteen months later and I am fresh as a daisy. When I woke up, I thought that I had just dreamed Trump was president. Joke’s on me. And soybean farmers.

If you thought I’d gone to Canada, well, that was ridiculous. I can’t get into Canada. At least not long term. They want smart people. Or rich people. And preferably not Americans. Xenophobic, maple leaf waving bastards.

Anyway, I had a lot of emails when I arose from my slumber. Half of them were requests. Everybody wants something whether you are there are not. All of these emails end with “Thank you for understanding.”

I have news for these people. Maybe I understand and maybe I don’t. I mean, it is a bit presumptuous to assume I understand. “Dear MO, I will be selling your fishing rod. It seems no one can find you and I need the money for heroin. Thank you for understanding.”

As you can see, I have no understanding for the above example. Why would I? Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps if you want heroin. Not that I am advocating for heroin use. I certainly don’t understand that, either. I hate needles, for one thing. Plus, I watched Trainspotting. Frightening. That poor baby. The Scots are some real bastards. No wonder Longshanks didn’t like them.

Anyway, I wonder when this “thank you for understanding” thing started? After all, somebody was the first to do everything. I know, right? Where’s the beef? Duuuuude? Violators will be prosecuted. Amen. All hail Ming!

Perhaps the first usage went something like this:

Dear (insert Indian tribe name here),

I am writing this to inform you that those blankets we gave you may (or may not) have been ridden with smallpox. If so, I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. Thank you for understanding.

Yours Truly,

New Ownership

Of course, it could have been something a bit more benign.

Dear (insert name of anyone growing up in the 70’s),

Hi! I hope your day is going well. Anyway, you know those bell bottom jeans you are wearing. Well, they are really stupid looking. And they will never, ever come back into style. Like, mullets might, but those jeans never will. Somebody will give it a shot, but it won’t happen. That is because those jeans are really stupid. Sorry about that. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,

Futuristic Descendant of Guy Who Came Up with Bell Bottom Design

Another alternative comes from recent news.

Dear Ignorant American,

You may have noticed a number of politically divisive articles on social media. To be perfectly honest, we have written these articles to fool you into electing an Orangeish reality tv star to your highest office. Sorry about that. Thank you for understanding.

Russian Bot Number 1

PS- Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are having an affair. In a clandestine site that doubles as a pizza parlor. They are also chopping up children and using them as pepperoni. Their workers are illegal aliens (likely MS 13 members) who have crossed the border every place there is no wall. The End Times are near. Buy Smirnoff vodka. Putin is love.

Phew! That was a lot of work. I already need another nap. It won’t be as long as that last one, though. If you were worried about me, I apologize. I was sleepy. Thank you for understanding.