Looking outside this afternoon, my thoughts turned to the unfortunate demise of the Wicked Witch of the West (The snow is melting. Seriously? It’s not like that took world class intuition. Perhaps a bit more sleep is in order. Just looking out for your welfare.)

You see, the Wicked Witch of the West is generally considered a villainous character with no redeemable qualities. Of course, this is merely propaganda, “Fake News” of the vilest sort. But what can you expect from Hollywood? Soylent Green was ridiculous.

Anyway, the witch clearly possesses both leadership qualities and vision. These are two things in short supply in Oz. After all, they are ruled by some charlatan/two-bit entertainer whose only trick is to appear larger than he is. Imagine if that happened in real life? Those poor Munchkins. The only thing trickling down to them will be a tax increase to pay for the yellow brick road. And what do they get out of it? About two hundred feet of yellow bricks. That’s what. I call for a Munchkin Riot (which is an awesome band name, by the way). So is Under Dorothy’s Skirt. Or Tin Man Priapism. I probably should just start a band name generation business.

Despite her obvious talents, the witch is forced to live in the low rent district of Oz. Even so, she makes the best of it. Certainly, the flying monkeys are a nice touch. (They listen really well. “Fly, fly,” and away they go without so much as a frown. I love those monkeys.)

The witch is also a character with integrity. She makes no bones about what she wants in life. She wants those ruby slippers. Which makes total sense, because Dorothy and Glinda stole them off the witch’s dead sister. Grave robbing bitches!! Nice bubble, Glinda. Dork.

In addition, the Wicked Witch of the West has a great sense of humor. Who can forget when she appears in the crystal ball?

“Auntie Em! Auntie Em!” And then she hits the audience with that infectious laugh. Later, the witch writes “Surrender Dorothy” with her broom. Skywriting. Funny, unexpected and effective.

Perhaps you still aren’t convinced. Consider, then, the various escapades of Dorothy. First, Dorothy’s dog bites Ms. Gulch. Instead of facing the music (or having Toto face the music), Dorothy decides to become a runaway. She then commits murder by dropping a house on the Wicked Witch of the East. As mentioned, she proceeds to steal the victim’s shoes. She starts a journey where she takes up with three male characters. Her relationships with these characters are never clearly defined, but they sure like the hell out of Dorothy.

On her journey, she participates in some apple stealing and insults some trees who, while enchanted, were clearly minding their own business. Then she breaks into the Emerald City and illegally trespasses in order to see the Wizard who does not want to see her. She badgers the Wizard who placates her by putting a hit out on the Wicked Witch of the West. Dorothy agrees to play hit woman and sets out for the witch’s castle. Once there, she again trespasses. Her compatriots commit assault and battery and steal some clothes. She doesn’t have Toto on a leash (once again) and the damn dog runs off through the castle. No doubt leaving little piles of Toto doo doo on the way. Eventually, Dorothy is rightly incarcerated. But she breaks out of prison and commits another murder.

When she returns to the Emerald City she whines like a child when she finds out the Wizard is actually another interloper from Kansas. He can’t help her. However, Glinda can and always could. But that Bubble Bitch wanted to see the Wicked Witch killed. (As a sidebar, we never really understand the relationship between Glinda and the Munchkins. I’m betting she eats some of them in order to maintain her youth. But that is just speculation, of course. She might also be prostituting them in a pizzeria.)

Since Dorothy has killed all the other witches in Oz (at least the ones that are presented in the movie), Glinda wisely tells Dorothy how to get back to Kansas. Well, it isn’t really that wise. After all, Dorothy could have clicked her heels three times after stealing the slippers and that would have been that. Anyone with any brains would have gone for the witch-killing trifecta. Luckily for Glinda, Dorothy is a rube who can’t put two and two together and she departs for her tornado-plagued home.

I guarantee the Wicked Witch of the West wouldn’t have taken that shit. But she was already dead. Because thieving Dorothy killed her. And her sister. Of course, nobody cares, probably because she is green.

The moral? It ain’t easy being green.

And girls from Kansas are all murderers and sex perverts.

On the bright side, Dorothy ends up in an insane asylum in the next book (and movie). Then she illegally escapes and kills the Mole King and another witch. Frank Baum was a bit darker than most people suppose.

It seems that a bunch of rich people got caught cheating. Specifically, they were using bribes to get their children (who are apparently morons) into college. This came as somewhat of a shock to people- if you believe their reactions. Which I don’t. In reality, everybody knew that this sort of thing has been going on forever. In fact, it is how we do things in the United States of America. The entire country is built on cheating, run by cheaters, and is not one bit sorry for any of it (generally speaking).

To whit, America was founded by rich guys who didn’t think they should have to pay taxes. Of course, these rich guys also had slaves and were given most of what they had. But, dammit, they wanted more. Don’t tread on me, you dirty, red-coated sonsabitches. Luckily for these rich guys, there were many local yokels who could be easily moved by the clarion call of their patriotic duty. And, although these yokels had very little to gain, they went and died for Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Of course, these ideals were all a big scam.

A century or so later, the American West was opened up. To adequately exploit this new area, the country needed railroads.

Actually, most of that was a big lie. But some rich guys saw a good opportunity to make money and were able to sell a bunch of local yokels on the idea. The yokels bought stock, the railroads failed, and the rich guys got richer and started universities in places like Palo Alto. Right on.

Simultaneously, the US was cheating the Indians out of their land. The indigenous folk were so very gullible. Heh heh. Thar’s gold in them thar hills.

Fast forward another hundred years to the Cold War. The USSR has just launched a satellite named Sputnik. Yipes! Those damn, sneaky Russians. This was surely a national disaster (Even though Sputnik was the size of a basketball- but why quibble over little details?) The Space Race had begun. And, thanks to US ingenuity and know-how, we got that man to the moon.

Well, actually we used Nazi rocket scientists (Gutentag, Herr Von Braun) who we had whisked out of Germany at the end of WW 2. Of course, as Nazis they probably should have answered for some war crimes or shit like that. But they were really smart. And we beat those Commies flat.

Anyway, my point is that America is all about cheating. Did you ever read the fine print? I’ll bet not, though there is probably something important in there.

Tax shelters, private schools, rich kids feigning ADHD, backroom real estate deals, insider trading and the list goes on and on right to Trump University.

Good thing we have our guns. And Jesus. When everybody dies, he will be sure to sort things out and all of you honest folk will get your just reward. In heaven, where the angels fly. And Steely Dan never gets to play on the radio. Ever. Because Steely Dan will be playing Hey 19 in hell for eternity.

I was going to mention the damned Cheat Codes for video games. But that would have been piling on. It’s not like the Canadians or any of those other countries are any better. They don’t even speak English in Quebec, for Christ’s sake. If that doesn’t seem suspicious, I don’t know what does.

Lee Greenwood. (So I did know, after all.)