With the stay-at-home order in place for my state, I have noticed a fairly large number of cars simply cruising around the country roads near where I live. Generally speaking, these vehicles are older than my oldest pair of pants. Maybe they were made after the turn of the century, but not by a whole lot. Often, they are multi-colored vehicles. Blue doors, red side panels and perhaps a dollop of Bondo to complete these creative rural chariots.

If I come across as a trifle snobbish, that is not the MO’s intention. After all, the love of money is the root of all evil. Well, that and lust. Anyway, this is not the place for class distinctions.

So I was taking a run the other day. There was a car on the side of the road. The car was part blue, part white- like Barack Obama if he held his breath for a long time. It was spewing clouds of exhaust into the cool country air. No emissions standards for these folks. Stinking governmental regulations.

Speaking of governmental regulations, many of my neighbors burn their garbage in the ditch by their home. It brings one back to the old days. Just sittin’ on the porch, smoking an unfiltered cigarette and drinkin’ a cheap domestic beer (Busch light seems the beverage of choice based on my observations of local littering), watching as mighty fire consumes all those cans and plastic and whatever else that might be in the garbage. Fire. Stolen from the gods by Prometheus so that human beings might incinerate garbage to their heart’s content. It cost him his liver- every single day (a really shitty Groundhog’s day), but actions have consequences. Kind of like contaminated groundwater is a consequence that leads to semi-retarded children. But I digress.

This car is just sitting by the side of the road. I run up to it and see there are four people inside, three young woman and a young man. They are all wearing masks. Presumably to keep them from getting Covid-19 from each other. Though it could have been because of the exhaust. Or the many clouds hovering overly illegally burning garbage. Who knows for sure? Maybe Prometheus. That fire-thieving bastard. As a sidebar, Prometheus was also the father of the Deucalion who was the hero of the flood myth in Greek mythology. (Speaking of thieving bastards, I’m looking at you Noah.)

As I ran by this car, these four young people stared at me. While I cannot know their intentions, I could not help noticing that they bore a striking resemblance, thus masked, of the head bad guy in Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior. You know, the guy with the mask and the assless chaps. Well, maybe it was one of the henchman with the assless chaps. Regardless, the head bad guy had a mask for sure.

Assless chaps aside, I continued on my run. Not long after, I came upon a man on a motorcycle. He was just sitting there, motorcycle running, looking in the general direction of the sky. I peered into the blue as well, but could see nothing. I wonder what this gentlemen could possibly be looking at thought I. Perhaps he is a bird watcher, on the look out for the first migrating bluebird.

That’s a lie. My actual thoughts were thus. What are these weirdos doing out here? And will I have to kill them later tonight?

I thought about doing it then, but I wanted to finish my run. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one will. The body is a temple.

Anyway, as I approached the biker-man, he suddenly revved up his bike and zipped down the road. “I’m the Nightrider,” he yelled.

He didn’t. But it would have been cool if he had. He probably wasn’t much of a movie aficionado. I guarantee he couldn’t spell aficionado. Though, to be fair, neither can I. It took me three times on spell check. I can spell wire pulled tight over the road in front of oncoming menacing biker, however. No spell check needed.

Before the apocalypse gets into full swing, I encourage everyone to get outside and get some exercise. That’s the moral of the story.

Also, never wear assless chaps if you are really riding a motorcycle and not merely role playing. There’s another moral.

I’m sure I can find another moral if I look. But I’m not looking. Look yourself.

The bible says that the “soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing.” There, I did it for you.

All I’m doing is enabling.