In case you didn’t have anything else to worry about, now we have Murder Hornets. Murder Hornets!!! These hornets are huge and Japanese. Some would say this is an oxymoron. Look at Pat Morita. Or Ichiro Suzuki. Neither of those guys was/is a huge person. And yet both are Japanese.

Anyway, if you have ever watched a National Geographic special about these giant hornets you realize that they are going to be a problem for our domestic bees. In Japan, the bees have evolved a strategy for dealing with the giant hornet. When the hornets enter the bees’ nest, the bees surround it and basically roast it alive using their collective body heat. A novel approach to a novel problem.

As Paris Hilton used to say, “That’s hot.” Paris Hilton is not a Murder Hornet. She is also devoid of talent. As far as I know she is still alive. But I can’t say for sure and I refuse to search Paris Hilton on the Internet. I don’t want any Russians making fun of me. They are a mean-spirited people. That’s why their noses are so red. Well, that and the consumption of vodka.

If there is one thing I would say about life it is that there is always something new to worry about. The Soviet Union (speaking of Russians) used to be something big to worry about. In truth, we didn’t know how good we had it then. They were pretty much the only thing to worry about. After all, the threat of nuclear annihilation keeps your mind pretty focused. Middle Eastern terrorists were small potatoes (also speaking of Russians, vodka is made from potatoes). They still blew some stuff up once and awhile and screamed “death to America,” but that was nothing compared to the Red Menace.

AIDS was a big worry for a while. Especially after Magic Johnson got it. Then everybody knew that it wasn’t just for the gays. When it was just for the gays, it was a worry on par with the 80’s Middle Eastern terrorists- in the back of your mind but it didn’t seem like it would really affect you personally. Kind of like when you are a man and you hear women complaining about their period. It sounds bad, but it is only a worry by proxy.

After 9/11 we got a new worry. Since I hate flying, all it did was make me worry more about flying. But most other people seemed to think the Middle Eastern terrorists were really something to worry about. So they signed a bunch of legislation to be able to spy on the American people more effectively. For the government conspiracy theorists, this was a worry come to full fruition. Into the Mainstream, Tin Hats! As Heller said, “just because you are paranoid, doesn’t mean that somebody isn’t after you.”

I also hear “paranoia will destroy ya’.” I guess now you can worry that you are too paranoid, or worry that you aren’t paranoid enough.

Of course, one of your worries will get you in the end. It could be Murder Hornets! It could be a novel virus. Probably not Middle Easter terrorists. They seem to have lost their momentum. But I’m sure they will cycle back around. I thought the Soviets were out of the picture for a while, but now we have Putin to worry about.

I guess the moral of the story is to buy a giant can of Raid. If you see an abnormally large hornet, blast that son-of-a-bitch to yellowjacket hell.

And scream out “Wolverines!!!” as you do it. Because this is America. And we don’t negotiate with bugs.