Foolishly, I sometimes read the news. This leads me to stories that keep me agitated anywhere from a few hours to several weeks. And if I am agitated, then you should be as well. Misery and company, you know.

If you haven’t heard, there is a group known as QAnon. This group promotes the messages of the mysterious “Q” (who has nothing to do with the James Bond character of the same name). Q is an internet figure who drops digital “crumbs” about a secret war that is apparently being waged by Donald Trump. Apparently, Trump feels guilty about dodging Vietnam and has decided to substitute this war in its place. The war is being waged against a cabal of pedophile political elites in Washington because, as everyone knows, Washington is crawling with pedophile political elites. I know I wouldn’t take a child within fifty miles of that place.

Anyway, I guess there is a an upcoming event called “The Storm.” (Not a very imaginative title for an earth-shattering event, but it’s not my call.) When this Storm occurs, Trump will reveal the mass arrest- and perhaps even the mass execution- of the shadowy figures who are not only responsible for the above-mentioned child sex ring but who have also committed various and sundry other crimes including the murder of a DNC staffer. Did I mention that the QAnon folks see Trump as a kind of Messiah? I suppose that is pretty germane to the story.

To recap, Democrats are abusing children across the world and murdering people. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are sometimes eating babies torn from the wombs of virgins and then re-impregnating these virgins (now deflowered) with their demon seed. Angela Merkel is also Hitler’s granddaughter (that’s QAnon talking- I like Angela Merkel).

If you find the above information amusing, I am here to steal your mirth. Fifty-one promoters of the messages of Q are currently running for Congress. Fifty-one! Seven have emerged in congressional Republican primaries. And one, Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia, is probably going to win. Hahaha. Your mirth is mine. Where’s your mirth? Right here. It sure as hell isn’t in Georgia.

While I don’t like to be a pessimist, it seems there are a great number of people in this country who fail to understand the difference between real and imaginary things. Generally, I would now go on a long diatribe about religion, but I will keep the diatribe short. However, when people believe that a man loses his strength through a haircut and that snakes and donkeys talk, I have to say that religion is a part of the problem. But I can pick on religion anytime (and have). When I am burning in hellfire I will probably regret it. Though Kurt Vonnegut is in heaven now, so maybe there is still hope for a deathbed reprieve.

While this story is not necessarily funny, the possibility exists that the mysterious Q is a group of high school kids who find their cryptic messages absolutely hilarious. After all, what is better as a teenager than to make adults look stupid? Well, I can think of a few things, but then again I didn’t have internet when I was seventeen. Of course, if this is the case (and I’m here to spread that rumor right now) these teenagers might be on the cusp of learning a very important life lesson. This lesson is that stupid people are sometimes funny and sometimes extremely dangerous. There is a long historical tradition of hanging acne-ridden smartasses. And burning uppity women as witches. Some of those will be thrown in there for sure. This is America.

Q could also be an alien, an eel-like creature whose sole desire (other than swimming Earth’s many oceans) is to root out Democratic pedophiles. Assuming that this is true, I think that all of us can agree that even illegal aliens have their place in our society. Trump. Bringing people and aliens together for a better world.

Spoiler alert!

The eelien (ho ho, just made that one up on the fly) is really Mitch McConnell. I’m surprised no one has realized it before. It’s not even that good of a disguise.