Heavy Breathing

On By Mr. Orange

Something interesting happened the other day. Matt Gaetz, a Florida Republican, found a son. Or perhaps he generated a son. Conjured a son? No, not in the way that you are thinking. After all, we wouldn’t know the sex of the child yet, nor would I presume to peek into anyone’s bedroom.

A couple of days ago, Matt got into a back and forth with Cedric Redmond, a Democrat from Louisiana (They have Democrats in Louisiana? And they can get elected? Another reminder of the imminent Apocalypse.). In this argument, Redmond intimated that because the other representatives were white males, they couldn’t fully understand what it was like to have a black child. This comment, in the vernacular of the day, caused Matt to become triggered.

“Are you suggesting that none of us have a non-white son?” Matt exclaimed. Matt was very indignant. Being indignant is apparently a prerequisite for being an American politician. Usually this indignation is reserved for covering up a lie.

Who can forget “I did not have sex with that woman?” Not Republicans. Or my left-leaning Mother. She hates the man. But, I digress.

A day later, Matt found himself a non-white son. Well, the kid is Cuban. And he is actually the brother of his ex-girlfriend who came to live with him when the kid was 12 (he’s now 19). Anyway, he’s like a very convenient son to Matt.

Here, let me have Matt tell it. You can’t make this stuff up, so why even try when you don’t have to.

For all those wondering, this is my son Nestor,” Gaetz tweeted. “We share no blood but he is my life. He came from Cuba (legally, of course) six years ago and lives with me in Florida. I am so proud of him and raising him has been the best, most rewarding thing I’ve done in my life.”

“Nestor turned 19 a few days ago & will be off to University. He arrived here at 12,” Gaetz added. “As you can imagine, I was triggered when (to make an absurd debate point) a fellow congressman diminished the contributions of Republicans because we don’t raise non-white kids. Well, I have.”

I told you Matt was triggered. No Fake News around here.

But back to our good pal, Matt. Who follows immigration laws scrupulously. What a guy. Of course, prior to Thursday, Nestor had been described (by Matt on
Social Media) as a “helper” and an “aide.” Aide, helper, son– potato, potahto. And aren’t Cubans of Hispanic origin technically white? I have to admit that I find that a trifle confusing. People from Spain are considered white, are they not? Would Hemingway spend all that time writing about non-white people? Maybe.
Hemingway was forced to wear dresses as a small boy, you know. Perhaps that skewed his ability to differentiate on the basis of color.
Regardless, I have an announcement to make today. I, too, have an unknown son.
LeBron James, I am your father. Not by blood. But you are my life. Watching you play basketball since you were 17 years old has been the absolute best. You were always in my heart. We even share the same birthday- December 30. With Father’s Day coming, I thought it was especially important, LeBron, for you to know this. If you want to send me a small Father’s Day gift, my address can be easily found via internet search. Or reply directly to this post.
Your loving dad,
MO.
PS- Tickets would be a great choice. I love watching basketball.
I am also the father of Denzel Washington, Alex Rodriquez, Neil de Grasse Tyson, and Renaldo. Also the guy who played the Black Panther. I loved that movie.
He gets his acting skills from my side of the family. My brother won the 4H acting award in Ashland County four years running. It was an unprecedented Thespian display.

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