Growing up, one of my favorite authors was Patrick McManus. If you are not familiar with his literary genius, you ought to be. McManus was a writer of outdoor humor. I personally became familiar with his work while reading the Outdoor Life magazines stacked next to the toilet. (As a sidebar, that is the great thing about the bathroom. It is one of the few places where you can accomplish two things at once. If only all aspects of life were as efficient. I suppose I could attend my virtual work meetings on the john, provided I religiously maintained “mute” on my microphone. Who would know? Of course, as these meetings rarely accomplish anything, my level of efficiency would still be far less than it is when reading.)

Anyway, one of my favorite McManus stories had to do with worries (if you have heard this one before, feel free to skip ahead). In this story McManus described the nature of worries, opining that we all have something like a Worry Box filled with our various dilemmas and anxieties. Did I pay the electric bill? Is my kid stealing liquor from the cabinet? Where did all that crabgrass come from? Was the mute button on during that bout of diarrhea?

The point was that this Worry Box pretty much remains filled at all times. If it isn’t a tweeting idiot, it is a novel virus. However, these worries can be squeezed out of the box and thrown into the ether. It just takes a worry that is large and immediate enough to do the squeezing.

For example, as McManus showed, if there is a grizzly bear outside of your tent, all other worries cease to exist. Crabgrass, diarrhea, tweeting idiots- all gone. You are down to one worry. Death by bear attack. And, if you survive, you will be so happy that it will take a while for your Worry Box to refill. The One Great Worry isn’t necessarily ideal, but it does provide a kind of “anxiety enema” that is good for the soul.

Enter the Demon Sperm. According to a Cameroonian crackpot doctor named Stella Immanuel (and a number of prominent Republicans), many gynecological illnesses are the result of sex dreams where women receive Demon Sperm. In fact, that is where many sexually transmitted infections come from. That should save a few marriages.

“If you weren’t having an affair, how did I get the clap?” says the aggrieved husband.

The wife looks about worriedly, then clutches her Bible to her bosom. “Demon sperm,” she whispers. “It is the only explanation.”

“Good enough for me,” says the husband. “I love you, honey bunny.”

(You probably didn’t think this blog would ever have a love story. But there it is.)

I’ll bet your Worry Box is cleansed now.

But there is more. Immanuel also claims that space alien DNA is used in medical treatments and that reptilians and aliens run the government. This last claim is clearly false as neither reptilians nor aliens could possibly be that ignorant. Still, it makes one think.

Immanuel further stated that illuminati are using witches to destroy the world through abortion, gay marriage, and children’s toys and media such as Harry Potter and Hannah Montana. I guess Pokemon is also an example of the work of these nefarious witches. If there is a group of people you can’t trust, it is the illuminati. Maybe they should be the reason for your Worry Box enema.

Immanuel is also against vaccines. Because they are being developed to keep people from being religious. Which then results in miscarriages by Demon Sperm, no doubt. Or autism.

The reason I know about this woman is that she made a video claiming she had a cure for Covid-19 (a concoction that contains hydroxychloroquine) and that wearing face masks and social distancing were unnecessary. No doubt, more work of illuminati-backed witches. Riding on their broomsticks and pitching Demon Sperm in the general direction of Democrats, no doubt. How did they get their hands on so much Demon Sperm? You’re an adult, use your imagination.

This video was published by Breitbart and retweeted by the Trump family and then viewed millions of times by the highly educated critical thinkers known as Americans. Eventually, Facebook and Twitter and Youtube removed the video (after making a few bucks). This caused a firestorm about censorship. Immanuel said that “Jesus Christ would destroy Facebook’s servers” if the video wasn’t restored. Little does Stella know that phalanxes of witches, powered by gallons of Demon Sperm, watch over the Facebook servers day and night. Jesus won’t get within a mile of those evil machines.

What I want you to do now is to think really hard about what you just read. Like, really let it all sink in. Allow it suffuse through your body like succubi-delivered Demon Sperm.

Now, try to worry about that crabgrass.

In addition to being a fine writer, Patrick McManus was a master of understanding that human psyche.

Grizzly bears are furry hell-hybrids, borne of Demon Sperm and mountain hermits. In case you were wondering.

 

 

Kanye West wants to run for President. Of the entire country. This would have seemed an unlikely bid 20 years ago. However, since the advent of the Orange Menace, the MO sees that anything is possible. It is true that Kanye is a college dropout with no real experience in anything remotely considered to be governing. Then again, Wisconsin elected a governor who was a college dropout. (Come to think of it, he was also a religious fanatic. Hmmmm. Perhaps Scott Walker and Kanye West are really the same person. After I get to the bottom of the Deep State, I will be sure to explore this possibility in greater detail.)

If you are a bit concerned about West’s aspirations, you might also consider that he made the announcement for his candidacy while undergoing a Bipolar episode. I guess he has a few of those every year. My assumption is that he looks in the mirror, realizes he has made tens of millions of dollars from roughly zero talent, and then undergoes a kind of out-of-body experience.

To be fair, I must confess that I do not know anything about Kanye’s music. I do know he is married to Kim Kardashian. Perhaps you remember her from previous posts. She was the one who became famous by getting railed on videotape by a semi-famous (at best) rapper. Somehow Kim took this rather uninspired sexual performance straight to the top. This is America. Study hard and stay in school kids.

When the current President was a candidate, many of the people I know considered it a farce. He was merely doing it for the publicity. No one would seriously consider this clown for the most powerful position on Earth. The MO, however, was unconvinced. Nostradamus has nothing on the MO. And so it came to pass. We are bathed in a sea of Liar’s Orange, and it might not be over for another four and a half years.

Anyway, Kanye definitely could be President. If you don’t realize this, your optimism about the human condition borders on clinical delusion. Bankers are here to help us all live a better life.

About a year ago, we got new neighbors. They are living in a pole shed and have junk strewn over a couple of hundred square yards of what, if it were mowed, would be a lawn. Of course, they are free to do as they will. We live in the country and there are no such things as Covenants. If they choose to create a mountain of shit, they need only avoid constipation.

To combat these people, my wife and I planted forty fast growing poplar trees. In a few years, these trees will create a screen that will render the eyesore next door powerless. Literally out of sight, out of mind. An elegant solution to one of life’s many small annoyances.

If you are waiting for a applicable metaphor to the Kanye dilemma, you will be waiting a long time. All the poplar trees in the world won’t stop a crazy person from pushing the wrong button while in the throes of a Bipolar event.

We went for a walk last night and saw a big buck crossing the road. Actually, his antlers were just starting to form, but one can extrapolate about antler growth. This is the second time in a week we have seen him. He is a healthy and majestic animal. I wish him a long and fruitful life. The rut is only a few months away, my friend!  Yay for you!!

Later, a beaver was spotted swimming in a small stream in a marshy wetland. He (or she- we weren’t that close) was not overly alarmed by our presence. The beaver swam leisurely away, healthy and majestic in his own way. As long as he doesn’t get smucked on the road, a highly unlikely occurrence given the level of traffic, he should live a long time.

Neither the buck nor the beaver cares about amateur pornography or Orange people or mentally ill rappers.

When I need to kill and eat them in the post-apocalyptic future, I will feel very bad about it. On the bright side, they won’t have to suffer slowly from radiation poisoning.

I always try to end these things on a positive note.

As you may have noticed, American society has fallen to a new low (at least in my lifetime) relative to its relationship with facts. Thus, this episode will be dedicated solely to righting some factual wrongs. No one will care and you can’t make any money this way, but we all have to kill time until we expire. Freud wrote an entire book about this. Civilization and Its Discontents. It is a fairly depressing read. On the other hand, do you want to keep reading about Covid-19 all the time? Not exactly uplifting stuff.

Speaking of Covid…nope, not doing that. But it pretty much only kills old people. As someone who is more old than young, I am leaning toward social distancing.

Myth 1: The MO has changed his views on social distancing.

Truth: The MO has always been an advocate for social distancing. In fact, he has been practicing it for nearly all of his 50 years. And he will continue to social distance in the future. He is such a disingenuous son-of-a-bitch. He could work on Wall Street.

Myth 2: The Stock Market has something to do with the economy.

Truth: The Stock Market is manipulated by a gang of rich people. If it looks like someone might tax them appropriately, they run the thing into the ground. Because taxing them is bad for the economy.

Myth 3: Taxation is theft.

Truth: I will personally attack the next person I hear saying this. With a broken off piece of the deteriorating county road that runs by my house. There used to be an indexed gas tax in this state, but some morons wanted to be elected by other morons.

Myth 4: The MO is a jovial person.

Truth: See above.

Myth 5: Elected officials are smart people.

Myth 6: Elected officials are way worse than they have ever been.

Truth: There are transcripts of government officials talking about the Viet Nam war. They knew it was a lost cause, but they didn’t want to lose face. Apparently, they were Japanese left over from WW2.

Myth 7: The US defeated the Nazis.

Truth: The Russians defeated the Nazis. The US and Great Britain came in from the other side and cleaned up. I’ll bet you didn’t read that in your history books.

Myth 8: People care about history.

Truth: There is an orange guy who bears a striking resemblance to a certain dead Italian leader. Also, if you think this post is dark, read Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. Hohohoho. Seriously, I dare you.

Myth 9: Animals can tell about people.

Truth: Hitler’s dogs loved him. He had a pretty complicated relationship with his niece, however.

Myth 10: All segues should be smooth.

Truth: Garrison Keillor is a pretentious ass who wouldn’t know a rural existence if he slipped on a cow patty.

Myth 11: Santa Claus is real.

Truth: Only if you count guys laughing at books about Nazi Germany.

Myth 12: Pulling down statues will change something.

Truth: I don’t see too many Lenin and Stalin statues lying around. Yet, Putin is doing pretty well. I heard he is commissioning a bunch of statues. Of him riding a horse. With his shirt off. His long, blond locks flowing in the wind. Think Favio, but much more menacing. Putin was in the KGB, you know.

Myth 13: There are Russian mobsters who are good sports.

Truth: This is a reference to the movie Rounders. If you don’t get it, watch the movie.

Myth 14: John Malkovich occasionally gives a bad performance.

Truth: He was even good in Con Air. Talk about Herculean efforts.

Myth 15: Jesus was the only god and man chimera.

Truth: Hercules. Alexander the Great. Every pharoah. Larry Bird.

Myth 16: Indiana is a beautiful state. (There is a segue here. Larry Bird is from Indiana. French Lick.)

Truth: If it hasn’t already happened, someone should make a pornographic movie called French Lick. Starring somebody who looks like Larry Bird. I could probably whip up a script this afternoon.

Myth 17: The MO has some principles.

Truth: Scene 1: A young, Indiana farm boy is out shooting baskets after a long day of baling hay. He has his shirt off and glistens from sweat. A car pulls up. It is a 1977 TransAm with two lost coeds.

“Can I help you?” Garry Bird asks.

“Maybe you can,” the coeds respond. Cue the bomp bomp bomp music.

Myth 18: This blog never says anything positive.

Truth: Scene 2: A second TransAm comes into view.