Due to the weather and the bowl season, I have been watching a bit more football than I usually do. It is a violent sport full of terrible injuries. However, my entertainment is more important than the knee of some kid I will never meet. Carry on, might warriors. I salute you.

As you may know, religion is very important to the game of football. By religion, I mean Christianity and not one of those heathen religions with aquamarine, nine-armed gods. In football, they pray before the game and after the game. At practice. On Twitter. Probably at the urinal. Yahweh is everywhere and no institution realizes that better than football. In fact, the Jewish god even takes an interest in the game. If you doubt this, just take the time to observe.

After nearly every good play, the person who has made the good play points skyward to his Lord. It seems that Yahweh loves football. As Jesus was a pacifist/Socialist, this seems highly irregular, but apparently it is nonetheless so. If you have been paying attention to these pages, one thing you can learn is that Yahweh works in mysterious ways. Through a corner blitz, for example. In this play, the cornerback for the defense comes flying like a bullet toward the quarterback. Preferably, he comes from the quarterback’s blindside where the QB can’t see him until it is too late. Then…Pow!! The cornerback knocks the Bejesus out of the opposing quarterback.

Sometimes this collision results in the quarterback being helped off the field. But that is immaterial. What is material is that the cornerback leaps up from his triumphant blitz and points to Yahweh (after patting his own heart).

“Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to break the ribs of my unsuspecting rival. I know you were with me the whole time.”

While I never see the Lord’s response, I can only assume that he approves.

He claps his giant cloud hands and booms out a roar. “Roooaaarrrrrrrr,” says Yahweh. And it is good. Which applies directly to a field goal.

Yahweh, however, is a fickle god. For no sooner has he helped the cornerback, then he does an about face. The backup quarterback on the other team, likely from a school in Texas somewhere, immediately fires two completions in a row. After the second completion, this Texas phenom bats his chest and points at the sky.

“Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to complete those passes against the evil bastards on the other side of the field.” And the Lord smiles down on him and it is good.

Eventually, someone wins and someone loses. While that appears to be the result of the talent on the field and their coaching, it is actually due to the whims of Yahweh. (That would be a good band name. Whims of Yahweh. The first song of their album could be “Wide Left.” It is about a field goal kicker who is a damned atheist. Alas, they don’t make albums anymore. Now you sing on YouTube or Snapchat or some shit like that. It really pisses me off. They don’t even have bands anymore. Speaking of blasphemy. Stupid Millenial bastards. I hate you all. But not as much as I hate the Greatest Generation. Retire comfortably and then take away pensions. Of course, most of you are dead now.)

Anyway, God wants one team to win more than the other. I can only presume this is because the winning team, or the followers of the winning team, are more worthy in the eyes of God. This means that the fans of the Detroit Lions are obviously Satanists down to the last man, woman and child. Hahahahaha. There is no way that is just bad luck. God hates them. God also hates Rwanda. Probably because they are missing vowels. Finland, you’re next. A giant Tsunami right up the fjord.

Fjord is a cool word. As a little sidebar. I might just start saying “right up the fjord” every time someone gets his or her just desserts. If Ted Cruz is kidnapped by a bunch of Gardsen flag waving crazies, I am definitely going to use my new phrase. Trademarked, by the way.

“They took Ted Cruz and put him in a dungeon. He is taking it right up the fjord these days.” In case you missed it, that was a double entendre. I don’t especially like French words, but they have their place. Eau Claire, for example.

On a roll. Or a croissant, perhaps.

The upshot is that if you want your football team to win, go to church. A Christian church. And quit doing yoga. It is next door to Satanism.

Go Lions.