Apparently, gender reveal parties are all the rage. Not to pick on Millenials, but everything needs to be an event. Because it is super important for other people to know the sex of your fetus. If it is even yours, of course. It might not be. I’m just throwing that out there. Not every womb tenant is who we think they are. There’s a reveal party for you.

“John, I have something to tell you.”
“What’s that, Felicia?”

“The baby. He’s not yours.” Felicia wipes away her tears. She is very sad to have to tell John this devastating news.

“But we had a reveal party with all of our friends,” John pleads.

Felicia nods. “Well, they aren’t all your friends.”

Anyway, at one of these reveal parties the parents decided to spring the news via cannon. Yes, that sort of cannon. Not the fat guy who played the detective when I was a kid. That guy is long dead. Though perhaps a Ouija board reveal would be pretty cool.

Here’s what happened:

A Michigan man died on Saturday after he was hit with pieces of metal from a cannon that exploded after it was fired as a Michigan couple announced plans for a baby shower.

Evan Thomas Silva, 26, was sent to the hospital after attending a small party in the backyard of a Gaines Township, Mich., couple as they announced their plans. 

The cannon was meant to shoot into the air to mark the occasion but exploded instead, local police said, sending hunks of the metal frame flying more than a dozen feet into the small crowd. 

One of the metal shards struck Silva in the chest, WJRT reported, causing serious injures. Silva died at a hospital in Flint hours later.

Booooooooom!!! You killed your friend. But at least you made a big splash. No one will ever forget the day that you told them your kid is going to be a girl, something they would have learned in due time anyway. (In the interest of full disclosure, I hate when people find out the sex of their baby before it is born. It’s like opening the presents on December 23 and rewrapping them. Dumb.)

While this seems like a particularly foolish way to kill your friend, it is not without precedent. Last year a 56 year old Iowa woman was killed when there was an explosion at a gender reveal party. Corn cobs everywhere.

Of course, sometimes people at gender reveal parties aren’t killed by shrapnel. In 2017, a gender reveal party sparked a wildfire that eventually burned 47,000 acres.

“Fire! Fire! Fire!” as Beavis would say. And the child, predictably, was named Beavis. Not really, but he should have been. Or she. I believe that Beavis is gender neutral. Like Terry. Cannon, however, is very much a boy’s name. Unless spelled with a K.

As a parent, I know it is important to think your child is going to be special. After all, they are special to you. But the reality is, they probably aren’t special. Average to slightly above average is all you really should be hoping for. If it turns out for the better, happy day. If it turns out worse, well, at least your hopes aren’t crushed.

And you didn’t kill anyone with a homemade cannon.

If you have been paying attention to the news lately, and I pity you if you have been, you may have noticed that Georgia has elected an outright crazy person to the House of Representatives. This is not an unprecedented act. After all, Wisconsin put Joe McCarthy in office. I hear there is still a statue of him in Appleton. Right next to Houdini. (I made that second part up. I don’t know if there is a statue of Houdini.) Anyway, this representative from Georgia is called Crazy Bitch (CB, for short).

CB is full of ideas. She thinks that the school shootings aren’t real and neither was 9/11. The first was a False Flag. The teachers were actors and the dead children weren’t really children at all. They were mannequins. Or childrequins, in this case. As for 9/11, it was an inside job.

By now, you are probably thinking that this woman is batshit crazy and clearly you would be right. You should also recall that she was elected to the House of Representatives to help make rules for the rest of us. Hohohohoho. In your face.

But I am not here to write about any of that. I am here to write about Jewish lasers. You see, CB has a theory about the wildfires in California. These wildfires were intentionally set. By Jews who shot lasers at the forest from space. I presume they fired these lasers from a spaceship, but one could also fire lasers from a satellite. I mean, I don’t see why not. As CB would certainly tell you, the Jews are crafty when it comes to lasers. Keep in mind that Star Wars was both created and directed by a Jew. Han Solo is also a Jew on his mother’s side. And, as we know, he preferred blasters over light sabers. Furthermore, his best friend’s real name is Jewbacca. The name used in the movie is a thinly veiled attempt to obscure the truth of the Wookies’ origin.

Regardless, it seems that Han Solo and Jewbacca were up in space in the Millenium Falcon. They were looking for an easy target and California was it. It is a large state and full of dry trees that are very susceptible to laser attack. Princess Leia was also there because she was also a Jew. I know she is dead. She was there the same way that Yoda and Obi Wan were around in the Return of the Jedi. Ghostlike and all-knowing. Being a Jedi ghost seems to be very relaxing. They must have some sort of spa in the Jedi afterlife. Imagine all the hair that Jewbacca would get in the hot tub there. Though the Wookie is not a Jedi so I suppose that isn’t really a concern. Where do Wookies go when they die? They go to a lake of fire and fry. See you again on the Fourth of July.

Where was I? Wookie heaven. But back to reality. Han Solo and his furry Jewish confidante started firing lasers at California from the Millenium Falcon. They were probably in those gunner turrets that Han and Luke used in the original movie. Pow! Pow! Pow! (That is not actually the laser noise, but it will do. Use your imagination a little.) Sure enough, the lasers started the fire.

We didn’t start the fire, it was started by lasers shot by two Jews

We didn’t start the fire, Donald Trump could never really lose

Mr. Putin, Hannity, JFK is an overrated Kennedy!!

So Jewbacca and Han Solo go into a bar. They are super thirsty after shooting lasers at California. They are looking Minnesota. There are lots of large, hairy creatures there. They order two gimlets. Gimlets are the drink of choice of clandestine Jewish laser shooters.

The bartender says, “What have you guys been up to?”

“Aaargghhhhhhhh,” says Jewbacca. Though the bartender thinks his name is really Chewbacca. The bartender also doesn’t know that Democrats are really vampires who live off of the blood of children. Real children. Not the fake kind that they use in school shootings to take away our guns. Lasers are exempt to gun control, by the way. It is in the Constitution. And no 250 year old document could ever be wrong.

Luckily, CB and her cohorts have been duly elected to serve the American people and root out the Deep State. Because if there is one thing this country doesn’t need, it is Jews setting laser fires from space. Did I mention that CB was put on the Education Committee? The Republican leadership put her there.

She is a very educated woman. Science books will now carry warnings about Han Solo and vampires. These are very real threats. There will also be a chapter about lifelike androids who just want to be left alone but who are pursued by a guy named Decker. Except Decker is really just Han Solo in disguise. And the android woman is really a mermaid.

What a minute. The other android woman was in the movie Dune. And they use lasers in Dune. Lasers that are controlled by their minds. Congress needs to look into this pronto. We can’t have Jewish people running around shooting lasers at California with their minds. Though they could hit some of those Democrat vampires down in Santa Carla. That would be good.

Save the Frog brothers some work, anyway.