There are many books that talk about finding meaning in life. Man’s Search for Meaning. The Art of Happiness. Meaning in Life. The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It’s an important topic. Why are we here? Are we the children of some supreme being? Or merely chemically influenced meat puppets? (Remember the band, The Meat Puppets? Good name. Meh band.)

This philosophical discussion brings us to Bitcoin. You know, the cryptocurrency that is trading at 60000 plus. That’s a lot of cash for something that was conjured up by some geeks in 2008. As a sidebar, they don’t really know who exactly invented Bitcoin. It may have been a group of people using the name Satoshi Nakamoto. Or it may not be. Mysterious. Anyway, Bitcoin started to be used in 2009.

As you may know, the MO is an avid reader. You can never know too much. Actually, you can definitely know too much, but we only have room for one philosophical discussion per post. Anyway, in about 2010 or so the MO first read about Bitcoin. And the MO thought and thought about what Bitcoin might be. It seemed as if Bitcoin might be an amazing opportunity.

“This could be an amazing opportunity,” said the MO.

“I agree,” replied the MO. At that time, the MO lived alone and was in the habit of talking to himself.

“Don’t tell them that.”

“Why not?”

“Because people judge. That’s why. Idiot.”

The MO figured that he could put a thousand dollars or so into Bitcoin. You know, just in case it became something big. A chance to strike it rich. The American Dream.

Unfortunately, money was a trifle tight in those days and the Bitcoin thing was probably just a little geek fad that would go away. Besides, everybody was always looking for some get rich quick scheme and they never worked out. By the way, in 2011 the price of Bitcoin was .30. Thirty seconds ago Bitcoin was trading at $62,771.59.

Math time. At .30, one thousand dollars would have bought 3,333.33 “shares” of Bitcoin. Three thousand thirty three point thirty three shares at $62,771.59 equals a bit more than 209 million dollars. Two-hundred and nine million dollars!!!

The MO could be above the law right now. I could piss right in the middle of the street while firing an AR-15 in the air and nothing would happen. Well, I guess I would have to pay for the lawyer to get the case dismissed on a technicality. But that would cost, what, three grand? Whoop-tee-doo. Seven percent (a modest return) on 209 million dollars is almost fifteen million. After the verdict, I could piss on the judge’s desk, then just promise to make a campaign donation of ten thousand dollars. What would ten thousand dollars be? Chicken feed!!! Speaking of chickens, I could start sacrificing them in pagan rituals right in a church parking lot. Who could stop me? No one!!!

“Bitcoin!!!” I would scream and then lop off the chicken’s head. Run around like crazy, you decapitated fowl. Hahahahaha!!! Pow pow pow.

Instead I put the thousand dollars in a 401k. It’s worth maybe three grand now. Not a bad return, but certainly not chicken sacrificing, courtroom pissing money.

But at least I have family.

Of course, with 209 million dollars I could buy a whole new family. Actually, I could buy several. If one sucked, out they go. Can buy me love. Love love. Can buy me love.

If I had a time machine, I would go back to 2011 and kick myself in the balls as hard as I could. That would save me the money for the vasectomy to come.

Then I would buy two thousand dollars worth of Bitcoin. Four-hundred and eighteen million would be almost enough money to buy a presidency. Actually, I could take my time machine and eliminate any competitive candidates, so it would definitely be enough.

MO 2024. I would have The Offspring play at my inauguration. The hats I gave out would read “Give America a Bad Habit Again.”

Yeah! Bitcoin is down 143 dollars since I started this blog.

I’d only have 208 million and change now. Speaking of kicks to the testicles.

If you watch the news, you will notice that it doesn’t change much over time. There are problems at the border, abortion, the 2nd Amendment. Maybe we should cut taxes for the rich and see if the money trickles down. The Middle East is in turmoil!! Damn those (Soviets, Chinese, North Koreans, Libyans, Cubans, Russians etc.). How much money are those athletes making?? Did you see who Khloe Kardashian is dating?

Anyway, you get the gist.

And it all becomes background noise. Sure, sometimes Jews shoot lasers to start forest fires in California, but overall it is pretty much the same blah blah blah. It becomes easy to overlook what is really important. To see the vital needle in the shit haystack.

That’s why the MO scours the back channels of the news, looking for those tidbits that the Lamestream media doesn’t want you to see. And do you know what those Lamestreamers don’t want you to see? Shrinking penises, that’s what.

If shrinking penises don’t get your attention, then you are truly dead inside. End it all now. It’s over for you. Hopefully, you had a good run. Odds are that it was average, but I am trying to remain positive in your last days. On the bright side, it appears likely that we are all characters in a computer simulation. Perhaps some cosmic game player will hit reset and you will be back in the game, ready to party. Reincarnation, brought to you by Play Station.

Play Station… whispered.

You know what is shrinking human penises? Pollution. Dr. Shanna Swan explains in her book that pollution is lowering sperm counts, affecting fertility and – in terrifying news- shrinking penises. Apparently, pollution has already shrunk polar bear penises. No wonder they want to kill and eat humans. Pollution has also made the penises of otters limp.

“Damned pollution!” screams the male otter. The female rolls her eyes and goes back to looking up her old boyfriend on Facebook. Stupid otters. They are eating all of the trout I try to catch. I’m glad their wieners don’t work. Somebody will have to start making otter dildos to fill the void (so to speak).

Speaking of dildos, there may be little need for them in the future.

Chemicals and pollutants can also impact one’s libido. “Yes, we found a relationship between women’s phthalate levels and their sexual satisfaction,” Swan said.

Phthalates. I knew it wasn’t me all along. It’s also the otters’ problem, but they piss me off. I feel a little for the polar bears, though they can blame the cold weather for their tiny penises. I suppose Aleut humans can as well, but the rest of us have to face the music.

Want more bad news? Here is some:

Swan’s research also found that exposure to phthalates, chemicals found commonly in plastics and toys, at the end of the first trimester in the womb, led to a shorter anogenital distance (AGD) “Nobody is going to like that term, so you could use taint or gooch instead,” she said. “But basically it’s the distance between the anus and the beginning of the genitals.”

Who even knew that was important? It’s not like people sit around thinking about taints all day. Well, most people don’t. Regardless, we have an AGD shortage and that’s really bad. (You can learn a lot about science from the MO. Science!!)

As a sidebar, I have never heard the term “gooch” before. More science.

But back to the shrinking penises. I mean there comes a point where women can no longer lie to you with a straight face. And what if these tiny penises are also limp? Do you understand the level of catastrophe we are talking here? This could be the end of the human race as we know it. Certainly it is the end for male egos everywhere. Penises that are average size now will be porn stars in the dismal future. Grim, I tell you. Grim.

That is if they can even get these inferior members to the ready. Which, if otters are any indication, may be very difficult. Think what this will do to the economy. Hooters. Gone. Showtime on Friday night. Gone. Vaseline. Severe economic devastation. The game of Risk. Sales through the roof.

On the bright side, architecture will change direction. No more Washington Monuments from here on out. Everything will be flaccid, like Newt Gingrich’s head. (By the way, if you want to know whose fault everything is, it is that asshole’s. Like all things. Flaccid-headed Gingrinch.)

Of course, there is a silver lining to this cloud. Penises are shrinking for those being born and about to be born. However, if you have been around for a while, you stay the same. In other words, in comparison things are looking up. Provided, of course, that everything is in working order. And you are not an otter.

Play Station…whispered.

That’s the guy behind the game, laughing at all of us because he is shrinking our penises. Nice kid. RESET, you little bastard!!! RESET.