If you watch the news, you will notice that it doesn’t change much over time. There are problems at the border, abortion, the 2nd Amendment. Maybe we should cut taxes for the rich and see if the money trickles down. The Middle East is in turmoil!! Damn those (Soviets, Chinese, North Koreans, Libyans, Cubans, Russians etc.). How much money are those athletes making?? Did you see who Khloe Kardashian is dating?

Anyway, you get the gist.

And it all becomes background noise. Sure, sometimes Jews shoot lasers to start forest fires in California, but overall it is pretty much the same blah blah blah. It becomes easy to overlook what is really important. To see the vital needle in the shit haystack.

That’s why the MO scours the back channels of the news, looking for those tidbits that the Lamestream media doesn’t want you to see. And do you know what those Lamestreamers don’t want you to see? Shrinking penises, that’s what.

If shrinking penises don’t get your attention, then you are truly dead inside. End it all now. It’s over for you. Hopefully, you had a good run. Odds are that it was average, but I am trying to remain positive in your last days. On the bright side, it appears likely that we are all characters in a computer simulation. Perhaps some cosmic game player will hit reset and you will be back in the game, ready to party. Reincarnation, brought to you by Play Station.

Play Station… whispered.

You know what is shrinking human penises? Pollution. Dr. Shanna Swan explains in her book that pollution is lowering sperm counts, affecting fertility and – in terrifying news- shrinking penises. Apparently, pollution has already shrunk polar bear penises. No wonder they want to kill and eat humans. Pollution has also made the penises of otters limp.

“Damned pollution!” screams the male otter. The female rolls her eyes and goes back to looking up her old boyfriend on Facebook. Stupid otters. They are eating all of the trout I try to catch. I’m glad their wieners don’t work. Somebody will have to start making otter dildos to fill the void (so to speak).

Speaking of dildos, there may be little need for them in the future.

Chemicals and pollutants can also impact one’s libido. “Yes, we found a relationship between women’s phthalate levels and their sexual satisfaction,” Swan said.

Phthalates. I knew it wasn’t me all along. It’s also the otters’ problem, but they piss me off. I feel a little for the polar bears, though they can blame the cold weather for their tiny penises. I suppose Aleut humans can as well, but the rest of us have to face the music.

Want more bad news? Here is some:

Swan’s research also found that exposure to phthalates, chemicals found commonly in plastics and toys, at the end of the first trimester in the womb, led to a shorter anogenital distance (AGD) “Nobody is going to like that term, so you could use taint or gooch instead,” she said. “But basically it’s the distance between the anus and the beginning of the genitals.”

Who even knew that was important? It’s not like people sit around thinking about taints all day. Well, most people don’t. Regardless, we have an AGD shortage and that’s really bad. (You can learn a lot about science from the MO. Science!!)

As a sidebar, I have never heard the term “gooch” before. More science.

But back to the shrinking penises. I mean there comes a point where women can no longer lie to you with a straight face. And what if these tiny penises are also limp? Do you understand the level of catastrophe we are talking here? This could be the end of the human race as we know it. Certainly it is the end for male egos everywhere. Penises that are average size now will be porn stars in the dismal future. Grim, I tell you. Grim.

That is if they can even get these inferior members to the ready. Which, if otters are any indication, may be very difficult. Think what this will do to the economy. Hooters. Gone. Showtime on Friday night. Gone. Vaseline. Severe economic devastation. The game of Risk. Sales through the roof.

On the bright side, architecture will change direction. No more Washington Monuments from here on out. Everything will be flaccid, like Newt Gingrich’s head. (By the way, if you want to know whose fault everything is, it is that asshole’s. Like all things. Flaccid-headed Gingrinch.)

Of course, there is a silver lining to this cloud. Penises are shrinking for those being born and about to be born. However, if you have been around for a while, you stay the same. In other words, in comparison things are looking up. Provided, of course, that everything is in working order. And you are not an otter.

Play Station…whispered.

That’s the guy behind the game, laughing at all of us because he is shrinking our penises. Nice kid. RESET, you little bastard!!! RESET.