I was watching “The Mummy” last night (the one from 1999, not the tripe that Tom Cruise is trying to pass off) and was enjoying it immensely. I have seen “The Mummy” at least forty times, probably more if you count watching a few minutes here and there while waiting for the soup to warm up. It’s a good movie. Not Oscar Best Picture winner good, but a solid “B/Bplus” in the annals of cinema. Anyway, O’Connell is fighting off the skeleton guards and my 17 year-old-stepson says something terrible.

No. Nobody is pregnant and he isn’t dealing Methamphetamine out of the back of Burger King. Worse. He said “The Mummy” was a crappy movie and that “American Sniper” is way better.

It is times like this when I weep for the future of our country. The only good thing about “American Sniper” is what really happened to the sniper guy in real life. Pow Pow Pow makes the world go around. Nutshell, the kid doesn’t know shit about movies. He also thinks that “Days of Thunder” is a great movie. Horrible. Cole Trickle? No. Who wrote that movie? They should be sent to the Gulag. Or at least Oklahoma. Same, same.

Speaking of Oklahoma, it was the ten year anniversary of the F-5 tornado that devastated the town of Moore. Or “No Moore” after the twister was done with them. I watched it over and over on the Weather Channel. Oddly enough, many people in Moore were caught unaware by the giant tornado. Not to criticize, but I was watching the Weather Channel the day it happened and they had plenty of warning. Plus, Oklahoma is the place “where the big winds blow.” What does that tell you, Oklahomans? That’s no train.Tornado on the way. Big one. I enjoy the Weather Channel.

Other than “School Ties,” I can’t really think of another good Brendan Fraser movie. The word “legend” is probably a bit hyperbolic, given this reality. Maybe just Brendan Fraser: Still Kicking. Brendan Fraser: Tarzan, Caveman, Everyman? Brendan Fraser: I Used to be Younger. Eh. So did I. Sorry, Brendan Fraser.

I said “eh” because Brendan Fraser is Canadian. Sort of. He was born in Indianapolis. Some people die because they are from Indianapolis. That probably would have been better than dying because you are from Minneapolis. Minneapolis is a nice city. Maybe the writer of “In the Line of Fire” picked up a case of gonorrhea from a hooker in Minneapolis. Even so, I don’t understand why that guy is picking on Minneapolis. Nobody said, “Hey, bro, you really need to pick up a hooker in Minneapolis. They never have gonorrhea.”

If somebody had done that, I would completely see why he killed a woman from Minneapolis in his movie. It’s why I kill hedge fund managers in my posts. Somehow that didn’t come out right.

Anyway, the hooker from Minneapolis probably grew up in Iowa. Iowans are notorious for that kind of behavior. That and corn shucking. I suppose a person might connect those two things, but I am not that vulgar kind of person.

Anyway, all’s well that end’s well. Penicillin.

My stepson also thinks that the new “Top Gun” movie is awesome. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it is essentially the same story as the first one. Except the lead character is way too old to fly a jet now. I’m lying. I definitely told him that. And then I told him how bad “Days of Thunder” is. Because it stinks. Dick Trickle (not Cole Trickle) was a real person. This information is a segue from the whole gonorrhea thing. But maybe that is best left in the past.

The only Tom Cruise picture I really like is “The Color of Money.” And that is because Paul Newman is in it. Paul Newman was also a real race car driver, unlike Tom Cruise. So, was Dick Trickle. I would like to blame Dick Trickle’s name on his being from the South. Alas, he was actually from Wisconsin. Wisconsin Rapids, to be exact. If you have ever been there, it will make more sense. Sadly, Dick Trickle committed suicide. Probably because somebody named him Dick Trickle. (Not really. Though it seems plausible.)

That’s why my stepson doesn’t like “The Mummy.” Because it could never happen in real life. No kidding, dumb shit. Supernatural beings don’t exist. What are you, Catholic? It’s easy to take shots at Catholics now. Most of them are really old and slow.

Rachel Weisz is also in “The Mummy.” Let’s just say that she has aged a little better than Brendan Fraser. Probably because she isn’t Canadian.

No Moore. Heh heh. I make myself laugh. At the expense of traumatized Oklahomans.