Ironically, while I was reading the news I came across yet another story of book banning. Right-wing parents, buoyed by grandstanding politicians, have combed the libraries of their local schools and found them wanting. The libraries are filled with vile trash- or stories about gay people- depending on your point of view. And these books must be stopped at all costs. Otherwise, children might become gay in droves. As everyone knows, even the merest suggestion of homosexuality is enough to convince adolescents to abandon straightness for the darker realm.

Interestingly, it appears that these same parents have not actually read the books that they want banned. Reading, as you no doubt are aware, is highly difficult. It takes time and, more ominously, thinking. Better just to get a list from some conservative firebrand and go from there. Precious seconds and brain cells can be saved.

Book banning has a long and storied history. In the early 200’s BC the Chinese emperor Shih Huang Ti buried alive 460 Confucian scholars and then burned all books (saving one copy each for his own library). When he died, those copies were destroyed as well. Apparently, Shih felt that without any books that history would be said to start with him. Unfortunately, for Shih this did not work. And he is dead.

In AD 8 (the Great Eight) Ovid was banished from Rome for writing Ars Amatoria (The Art of Love). Sex once again rears its ugly head. His books were later burned in Florence in 1497. And, to top this once off, the English translation of Ars Amatoria was banned by U.S. Customs in 1928. USA, USA, USA.

Savonarola, a Florentine religious fanatic with a large following, was one of the most notorious and powerful of all censors. In these years, he instigated great “bonfires of the vanities” which destroyed books and paintings by some of the greatest artists of Florence. He persuaded the artists themselves to bring their works—including drawings of nudes—to the bonfires. Some poets decided they should no longer write in verse because they were persuaded that their lines were wicked and impure. Popular songs were denounced, and some were turned into hymns with new pious lyrics. Ironically, in May of 1498 another great bonfire was lit—this time under Savonarola who hung from a cross. With him were burned all his writings, sermons, essays, and pamphlets (from Freedom to Read “Bannings and Burnings in History”).

Burnabout is fair play. Play with fire etc.

Moving along in history, Mickey Mouse comics were banned in East Berlin in 1954. Why? Because Mickey was seen as an “anti-red rebel.”

In 1959, The Rabbit’s Wedding was put onto reserve shelves in Alabama’s public libraries. Apparently, the White Citizens’ Council believed it promoted racial integration.

In 1973 the school board in Drake, North Dakota, ordered the burning of 32 copies of Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five and 60 copies of James Dickey’s Deliverance for, respectively, the use of profanity and references to homosexuality. “This here’s a sow,” you’ll recall. “Wheeeeeee. Wheeeeeeee.”

Terrible. I feel I should burn this blog. But I can’t. Because it doesn’t exist on paper. Stupid science.

The London County Council in England banned the use of Beatrix Potter’s children’s classics The Tale of Peter Rabbit and Benjamin Bunny from all London schools. The reason: the stories portrayed only “middle-class rabbits.”

In 1983, Alabama State Textbook Committee called for the rejection of The Diary of Anne Frank because it was “a real downer.” And, who can argue? Reading about some Jew girl hiding from Nazis is not exactly uplifting. Then she dies at the end. Though we don’t really get that far in the book because it is a diary. In fairness.

Of course, I could rail on, though I feel now is the time to summarize. Nobody likes uppity rabbits or capitalist mice. Anne Frank should have thought more about the happiness of others. If you are a prisoner of war in Dresden you need to watch your mouth. Hillbilly rape isn’t funny nor should ever be spoken of. Ovid was a pervert. Shih Huang Ti was the first emperor in all of the world. Time actually started with him. In fact, I am surprised that any of us are allowed to live. Especially uppity rabbits.

Recently, books like The Handmaid’s Tale and Harry Potter have also been challenged. THT for “vulgarity and sexual overtones” and Harry Potter because it celebrates magic and witchcraft. Maybe this protest was brought by actual witches who felt it was historically inaccurate. I don’t know.

While I am being snarky, perhaps you have developed some anger. Who are these people to tell others what they can and cannot read? Well, they are religious people, mostly. Though, ironically, the bible has also been banned a time or two. Probably for the incest. But maybe for the magic. Loaves and fish don’t keep appearing in the real world. Just pointing this out.

Anyway, I digress. Because this blog is the polar opposite of Anne Frank’s glum diaries. The MO means to uplift his readers and send them singing and dancing into a new day. In this spirit, I will point out that book banning as a pretty fatal flaw nowadays. It is known as the internet.

While I am sure my readers are unfamiliar with the sordid side of the World Wide Web, there are some pretty, er, flamboyant websites out there. And these websites are available to children everywhere. Pretty much anybody with a smart phone has Hot Asian Teens at their fingertips. They also have a lot of things objectively seamier than this. Nobody needs books any more to get bad ideas. Bad ideas are ubiquitous!!! If you thought your child might become gay because of books, you really have a problem now. And every one of them can become witches by watching YouTube. It’s anarchy I tell you.

Even more to the point, banning books doesn’t matter because few people, especially young ones, read books. A teacher couldn’t indoctrinate her students if she tried.

Teacher: I will create this indoctrinating lesson so that the children of my class think that slavery was bad.

Students: Look at this dancing dog clip. Hahahahaha. The dog is dancing! Like a real person. Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant? Whoa. Look at those Asian teens. God, school sucks.

Crisis averted.

Oui. This is what it sounds like. Napoleon’s penis is still in circulation. Well, sort of. Let me just tell the story.

It seems that when Napoleon died, the doctor conducting the autopsy cut his dick off. Le Lop. My French is not that good. Anyway, the reason that he chopped off Napoleon’s member is a bit hazy. However, the most credible story is that the chaplain bribed the doctor to Bobbitt Napoleon because Napoleon had called the chaplain “impotent.” Apparently, this aspersion made the chaplain so angry.

“Catholic chaplains aren’t impotent!” he shouted to the heavens. “Think of the altar boys!”

He probably did not shout that to the heavens. Even so, this chaplain had revenge in his heart. The chaplain smuggled Napoleon’s dick out of St. Helena and to his home in Corsica. It remained in the priest’s family until 1916. Yes, you read that correctly. His family kept Napoleon’s lopped off pecker for 95 years. I’m sure it was quite a conversation piece.

“What is that in the jar?” says the curious guest.

“That? Oh, that is Napoleon’s dick,” says the owner.

“My, that is interesting,” replies the guest. “If you don’t mind me asking, why would you have Napoleon’s dick on your mantelpiece?”

“Eh, the little bastard called my grandpa impotent.”

“Your grandfather must have been a very angry man.”

“Yes. And he also had an extraordinarily small penis himself. He was very sensitive about it.”

Anyway, the penis was bought by a London bookseller and then sold to guy named Rosenbach who was from Philadelphia. Napoleon’s pecker went on display at the Museum of French Art in New York City in 1927. There it was described as a “maltreated piece of leather shoelace.” Apparently, the century had not been kind to the Dick Le Napoleon.

I think maybe it would be a good time to recap, keeping in mind that this is a completely true story. In fairness, who in the hell would make something like this up? Do I look like some sore of weirdo?

Anyway, Napoleon died and the doctor performed an autopsy. The same doctor cut off Napoleon’s dick. This amputation came at the request of a chaplain who desired revenge against Napoleon because Napoleon had apparently insulted his honor. The chaplain then smuggled the cut-off dick to Corsica and his family kept it as an heirloom for nearly a century. Then they sold the dick. And then the dick was sold again and put on display in Phildelphia. As art.

In 1977, after a couple of other exchanges, the French dick was purchased by an urologist and French pecker collector by the name of Lattimer. Apparently, his daughter still owns it. Though she has also reportedly been offered up to $100,000 for a shriveled-up, 200 year-old French dick. I don’t know what the market is for penises, but this seems a little steep. Then again, not every dismembered member used to belong to Napoleon.

Have I mentioned lately that this is a true story? I mean, like this is all stuff that really happened. I just feel like I need to drive that point home.

It seems that the penis in question is only about an inch long now. However, in defense of Napoleon, I don’t really think that it is a fair representation of the size of living Napoleon’s penis. Most likely, his pecker was average for the time that he lived in. It’s hard to say. Heh heh. Hard to say. You knew something like that was coming. Heh heh again. This is a eighth grade boy’s dream.

In fairness to the strange people who want to have Napoleon’s old penis, I think it should be mentioned that the Catholic church says they have Jesus’ foreskin. Or at least they used to have it. During the Middle Ages at least a dozen Catholic churches claimed the holiest of holy foreskins, though it appeared to have landed in the village of Calcata in Italy. Even though the church had decreed in 1900 that anyone writing about the foreskin would be excommunicated, the church allowed the villagers to have a procession every year with Jesus’ foreskin as the star of the parade. The name of this event? The Feast of the Holy Circumcision. Of course.

Unfortunately, the foreskin of the Lord was reported stolen in 1983. Perhaps by Satanists. Or it was sold on the black market. Which, before you read the Napoleon story, might have seemed far-fetched. That there is a black market for foreskin. But there assuredly is.

Regardless, the mystery remains unsolved. Though I might start looking in Lattimer’s daughter’s house if I were Vatican investigators. I mean, it sort of seems obvious. Though I do not claim to be a discarded dick detective. Nor would I, even if I was.