Oui. This is what it sounds like. Napoleon’s penis is still in circulation. Well, sort of. Let me just tell the story.

It seems that when Napoleon died, the doctor conducting the autopsy cut his dick off. Le Lop. My French is not that good. Anyway, the reason that he chopped off Napoleon’s member is a bit hazy. However, the most credible story is that the chaplain bribed the doctor to Bobbitt Napoleon because Napoleon had called the chaplain “impotent.” Apparently, this aspersion made the chaplain so angry.

“Catholic chaplains aren’t impotent!” he shouted to the heavens. “Think of the altar boys!”

He probably did not shout that to the heavens. Even so, this chaplain had revenge in his heart. The chaplain smuggled Napoleon’s dick out of St. Helena and to his home in Corsica. It remained in the priest’s family until 1916. Yes, you read that correctly. His family kept Napoleon’s lopped off pecker for 95 years. I’m sure it was quite a conversation piece.

“What is that in the jar?” says the curious guest.

“That? Oh, that is Napoleon’s dick,” says the owner.

“My, that is interesting,” replies the guest. “If you don’t mind me asking, why would you have Napoleon’s dick on your mantelpiece?”

“Eh, the little bastard called my grandpa impotent.”

“Your grandfather must have been a very angry man.”

“Yes. And he also had an extraordinarily small penis himself. He was very sensitive about it.”

Anyway, the penis was bought by a London bookseller and then sold to guy named Rosenbach who was from Philadelphia. Napoleon’s pecker went on display at the Museum of French Art in New York City in 1927. There it was described as a “maltreated piece of leather shoelace.” Apparently, the century had not been kind to the Dick Le Napoleon.

I think maybe it would be a good time to recap, keeping in mind that this is a completely true story. In fairness, who in the hell would make something like this up? Do I look like some sore of weirdo?

Anyway, Napoleon died and the doctor performed an autopsy. The same doctor cut off Napoleon’s dick. This amputation came at the request of a chaplain who desired revenge against Napoleon because Napoleon had apparently insulted his honor. The chaplain then smuggled the cut-off dick to Corsica and his family kept it as an heirloom for nearly a century. Then they sold the dick. And then the dick was sold again and put on display in Phildelphia. As art.

In 1977, after a couple of other exchanges, the French dick was purchased by an urologist and French pecker collector by the name of Lattimer. Apparently, his daughter still owns it. Though she has also reportedly been offered up to $100,000 for a shriveled-up, 200 year-old French dick. I don’t know what the market is for penises, but this seems a little steep. Then again, not every dismembered member used to belong to Napoleon.

Have I mentioned lately that this is a true story? I mean, like this is all stuff that really happened. I just feel like I need to drive that point home.

It seems that the penis in question is only about an inch long now. However, in defense of Napoleon, I don’t really think that it is a fair representation of the size of living Napoleon’s penis. Most likely, his pecker was average for the time that he lived in. It’s hard to say. Heh heh. Hard to say. You knew something like that was coming. Heh heh again. This is a eighth grade boy’s dream.

In fairness to the strange people who want to have Napoleon’s old penis, I think it should be mentioned that the Catholic church says they have Jesus’ foreskin. Or at least they used to have it. During the Middle Ages at least a dozen Catholic churches claimed the holiest of holy foreskins, though it appeared to have landed in the village of Calcata in Italy. Even though the church had decreed in 1900 that anyone writing about the foreskin would be excommunicated, the church allowed the villagers to have a procession every year with Jesus’ foreskin as the star of the parade. The name of this event? The Feast of the Holy Circumcision. Of course.

Unfortunately, the foreskin of the Lord was reported stolen in 1983. Perhaps by Satanists. Or it was sold on the black market. Which, before you read the Napoleon story, might have seemed far-fetched. That there is a black market for foreskin. But there assuredly is.

Regardless, the mystery remains unsolved. Though I might start looking in Lattimer’s daughter’s house if I were Vatican investigators. I mean, it sort of seems obvious. Though I do not claim to be a discarded dick detective. Nor would I, even if I was.