My wife was watching the Netflix series about Oxycontin last night. Painkiller it is called. A good name for an album. And good for song lyrics. Oxycontin, that is. A quick internet search revealed 577 songs that use the word Oxycontin in their lyrics. A very useful word and a very useful drug. Provided your last name is Sackler. Yeehaw! And the money comes rolling in. Making Middle America into a bunch of drug addicts is quite lucrative. Plus the song thing. There’s a song in my head right now that has the catchy use of the word Oxycontin. But damned if I can remember its name. To be fair, it is one of 577. Maybe if I got on Oxycontin I wouldn’t care. Then all I’d care about is getting my hands on Sackler’s Feel Good. Oxycontin makes life simple. That could be their slogan. Too late. Trademark! By me. Those vultures will try to make a buck off anything, including my creative genius.

Anyway, drugs are bad. Blah blah blah. And rich guys are crooked bastards who don’t mind killing people to make a buck. Blah blah blah. I watched James Bond. And Breaking Bad. You know what’s worse than drugs? Old age. Take Matthew Broderick who plays the evil Richard Sackler. That guy used to be Ferris Buehler, for Chrissakes. And the nerd kid who used Tic Tac Toe to flummox a rogue supercomputer. Now he’s ancient and feeble and playing the kind of guy that Ferris Buehler Abe Frohmaned all day long and twice on Sunday. The Sausage King of Chicago.

Speaking of old Matthews from the 80s, Matthew Modine looks like somebody’s lost grandpa. “Eh, where’s Martha. She needs to darn my socks.” Matthew is wearing a stocking cap, boxer shorts and long black socks in this scenario. And he is standing outside. In winter. Talking to the neighbor kid’s snowman.

In Vision Quest Modine was a high school hard-ass wrestler who was also jumping a 23 year-old woman. Sweet. And he beat Shute! Shute was unbeatable. Today? Matt is a doddering old man who plays nursemaid to Eleven.

Important Sidebar:

Eleven is really Charlie McGee,but apparently stealing ideas in broad daylight is fine now. Stephen King should have trademarked that shit. Trademark! But he didn’t.

I am the firestarter, I am the firestarter. Prodigy. An eclectic gang. Who could forget their classic romantic ballad “Smack My Bitch Up?” Not feminists. They forget nothing. Like elephants with bad haircuts.

Sidebars come in italics.

Returning to the topic of getting old, Otter from Animal House plays a doddering doctor on the show Virgin River (my wife watches it). I may have even mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. Plus, in a note of supreme irony I can’t remember what I did or didn’t write. But enough about me.

Old Otter is married to Annette O’Toole who looks like Methusaleh’s older sister, warmed over. She was the hot girl in One on One with Robby Benson. Robby seemed like too much of a pussy in real life to be a D1 basketball player but who survived four open-heart surgeries in real life and thus exposed me for a cynical asshole. As if that needed exposing.

On the bright side, Karen Allen who played Otter’s buddy’s girlfriend in Animal House and who played Marian in Raiders of the Lost Ark hasn’t aged that badly. If she had been in The Last Crusade she might still look 27. But they got Sean Connery instead.

Sean Connery is, unfortunately, dead. But if he were alive he would have killed Richard Sackler with a pen gun, smoke an unfiltered cigarette, slammed a martini, and made it with a hot Russian brunette. In a space capsule.

Then smacked the bitch up.

Allegedly.