Neila, Everlasting

Well, the government finally admitted it. There are UFOs all around us. And inside of these craft are little green men just waiting to stick their probes into all of our body cavities. While some readers may find this intriguing, I would say to be careful what you wish for. Imagine your embarrassment in the emergency room when you have to get an alien probe extricated from your rectum. We come in peace, my ass. Or rather yours. I’m not signing up for that any time soon. And neither should you. Who knows where these aliens have been? The next thing you know all of us have some sort of outside galaxy venereal disease. And just because a few people didn’t have any inhibitions. Inhibit!! The world depends on it.

Anyway, it seems that our government (along with many other governments) has been tracking UFO activity for some time. Not everything is weather balloons and swamp gas. This comes as no surprise to the many conspiracy theorists in this country. “I told you so!” they holler triumphantly from their mother’s basement.

“Shut the hell up!” screams the neighbor who has to get up in the morning to go to work. 

To this Worker Bee, I can only say it is time to wake up and listen to the paranoid Incel who only comes out to gather his mysterious packages from the porch. Eric is his name. The Incel kid. You would think you would remember that since he has lived next door for the last fifteen years. You even went to his high school graduation party. Oh yeah, Elroy is his name. Like in the Jetsons. Anyway, the kid is pretty nondescript. Plus, he’s technically not a kid, unless you think that 31 is a kid. Maybe in some alien civilizations it is. Who knows?

The Pentagon. And maybe Elroy. You have to admit that he did help you get your YouTube TV set up. That was nice of him. Then again, you had to listen to a 40 minute diatribe on the Illuminati and have Elroy leer at your seventeen-year-old daughter like he had never seen a real girl before. Though it is fair to say that Elroy’s experience with real girls is limited. Like limited to setting up YouTube at people’s houses, at least for the past fifteen or so years. I mean, he never goes outside or does anything that you can see.

Anyway, it is important to understand that calling alien ships UFO’s is now passe. The government calls them UAP’s, which is currently less frightening, but won’t really matter when the invasion comes. On the bright side, our collective, determined destruction of the Earth might ensure that an invasion is not worth the effort. After all, nobody wants real estate in a shithole. Perhaps civilization’s complete disregard for the environment will be our saving grace. Irony, at its best. Well, until the planet becomes half inhabitable desert and half flooded disaster area. But I should be long dead by then. Unless the aliens kidnap me and use their advanced technology to keep me alive past my normal life span.

I can’t think of a reason why they might do this. Perhaps they work in mysterious ways. Or they have a really sick sense of humor. Or they are punishing me for not remembering Elroy’s name. 

In this scenario, Elroy has made a secret alliance with the aliens, who have taken pity on him because he cannot get a date. Which is a bunch of garbage since I can’t be expected to remember everybody’s name who I come into contact with. What am I, some sort of Rain Man? Maybe Dustin Hoffman is an Extraterrestrial. He is kind of a goofy looking fellow. He also has a strange cadence to his speech, not unlike the giant cockroach from Men in Black. 

Alien bastards. To tell the truth, I am already sick of them. Why the hide and seek game? Reveal yourself, little green interlopers!! 

Yet they don’t.

Unless they are over the skies of Phoenix. 

Allegedly.