If you are an ardent capitalist, you probably believe in the mantra that “the customer is always right.” Like many things ardent capitalists believe in, this mantra is asinine and only serves to debase the society we live in. But carry on. I can’t stop you. Perhaps when you sell Marx his rope you will see the error of your ways. Then again, probably not. After all, you will go out on a profit and what could be better than that? Well, there are a couple of things that spring readily to mind but this is a family-friendly venue. Thus, I will refrain from encouraging that type of talk. If the Republicans can be believed it would make you gay or trans.

Speaking of the vulgarity of capitalism, we have only recently begun our recovery from that most American of holidays, Black Friday. Though, I notice that Black Friday has been extended a tad by unscrupulous characters who would besmirch this most American of holidays by extending it into the other six days of the week. Friday hating bastards, no doubt.

Speaking of No Doubt, can you believe Gwen Stefani married that country bull shitter? Anyway, I digress.

Of course, the cynic might opine that these corporate peddlers of Black Fridayism are merely providing the masses with the succor they so desperately crave. If there is anything consumers like, it is a deal. To Mildred in Peoria there is nothing better than standing in line at Walmart at 4:30 in the morning so long as she can get her arthritic paws on that new Keurig for three dollars less that her sister-in-law, Rachel, paid for it in Chicago.

Yes, it is that Rachel. The one from Friends. She met a guy- after the inevitable divorce from sniveling Ross- and moved to a suburb of Minneapolis. New Brighton. Where, according to the overweight lady John Malkovich had to kill, there is no high school. Sometimes people die just because they are from Minneapolis. Sometimes Rachels move to Minneapolis to live with a stockbroker because their biological clocks are waning and they need to call an audible (I know she has a kid. She wanted another one. Christ.) Sometimes I have to urinate at 3:30 in the morning. Sometimes, in the last instance, meaning nearly always. Like clockwork. Since I’m already up I should do some Black Friday shopping. Though I never do. I am watching one of the Star Wars movies with the sound off. I know all the lines anyway.

“Maybe you need some more scoundrels in your life.”

“I…am your father.”

“These are not the droids we’re looking for.”

“Move along.”

“Arrgggghhhh.” That’s Chewbacca. He’s hungry for a sandwich. I mean, you never see Chewbacca eat. And he’s seven feet tall. I would guess that it takes a lot of energy to fuel a seven foot tall Space Yeti. (Another good band name. Also, an all girl band could be called Chewbecca.)

Sandwich Craving Chewbacca is another one. Chewbacca is fertile band name ground.

Rachel Wears a Bike Helmet Now. Either a band name or a song by Chewbecca.

“Rachel wears a bike helmet now…She ended up in New Brighton somehow… She’s raising kids and in the PTA…Her cool haircut and friends have all gone away.”

Ross Masturbates to Music by the Rembrandts?

I have a million band names. If only there were still some bands around. Alas, they were all killed off by Black Friday. So was Jesus. I guess that was actually Good Friday.

Same, same.

Speaking of deaths there is a website called Black Friday Death Count. (Yet another band name.) According to the site, at least fourteen people have died and 124 have been injured in Black Friday-related incidents since 2006.

Apparently, a 56 year old tourist died after making the world’s highest bungee jump. This isn’t necessarily germane to today’s theme, unless “stupid ways to die” is today’s theme.

Though I am pretty sure that getting trampled to death vying for a discount XBox is a much worse way to go. On the other hand, bungee jumping fatalities reached an all time high this year. Fifty. Fifty fucking people died bungee jumping this year!

Pow Pow Pow!!!

You know they could combine bungee jumping and Black Friday. Take the plunge for even more savings!!

That catch phrase is trademarked. TM