If you are an American you spent four hours plus watching the Super Bowl yesterday. It’s a spectacle that encapsulates the very essence of this country. Bud Light, stripping poles, celebrity worship, two National Anthems, Reba McEntire, football, and an extra helping of Jesus. There was also a football game where one of the players is dating Taylor Swift. Perhaps you have heard. Yes, it’s the one who screamed at and then bumped his coach’s hat askew. Fiery competitor or raging maniac? It matters not. The Chiefs won the game. Kansas City rejoices. San Francisco mourns.

But speaking of Jesus, I happened to notice that he was heavily promoted during the Super Bowl. Of course, it is a trifle odd that Jesus, an anti-capitalist pacifist, would have anything to do with a game where tickets run into the thousands of dollars and the object is to knock the other man’s head off- but we will ignore this seeming mismatch. The Lord, as we all know, works in mysterious ways. Sometimes he even gets an extra point blocked so the Chiefs can cover the spread.

One of the Jesus commercials had images of people washing other people’s feet (Jesus being a notorious foot washer). All of these images were highly unlikely. A priest washing a gay man’s feet, a white man washing a black man’s feet, a rich lady washing the feet of a homeless person. Donald Trump washing E. Jean Carroll’s feet. Well, that one didn’t happen but it would surely have shown that the makers of these commercials have a sense of humor. Anyway, these commercials are targeting a younger audience who may see Christianity as somehow antiquated or intolerant of people other than white, affluent, straight people. Where young people would get that idea is anyone’s guess. The inscrutability of youth, I suppose.

As you well know, we here at the MO are all about getting to the bottom of things. So we sent out our investigative team to research the origin of these Commercials for Jesus. Actually, we did an internet search on our phone at halftime. But you weren’t going to do it.

The Jesus commercials are promoted by a group operating from Hegetsus.com. From mighty Wikepedia:

He Gets Us” is an American religious advertising campaign by the , a the Servant Foundation, a non-profit funded primarily by anonymous donors.^[1] First launched in 2022, the campaign’s stated goal is to “reintroduce people to the Jesus of the Bible“.^[2] Its campaigns are designed to cater to younger demographics and  religious skeptics via allusions to present-day social movements, with an emphasis on values such as inclusion, compassion, and “radical forgiveness”.^[2] At least US$100 million was initially spent on the campaign, which has included billboards, sponsor placements, and television commercials.

As the MO is a notorious skeptic, I investigated the Servant Foundation. It turns out that this group has donated tens of millions to a group called the Alliance Defending Freedom. This immediately piqued the Orange’s interest. Who could this mysterious group be? After all, whenever somehow uses the word “Freedom” in their name, you know they are up to no good. And the ADF does not disappoint.

The ADF is an American Christian Conservative advocacy group. And what things are they advocating for? Well, they want to expand Christian practices within public schools and in government, outlaw abortion, and curtail LGBTQ rights. Pow! There’s some sleight of hand for you. While you were watching the priest wash the gay guy’s feet, the priest was also telling the gay man that he needed to repent or risk roasting in hell for eternity. Pow! Pow!! Additionally, the ADF would like to send the gay guy to prison as they seek to criminalize same-sex sexual activity.

Apparently, the phrase “He gets us” really means that you need to adhere to a Bronze Age mythology or you will go jail- then hell. If this sounds to you like these people are a tad regressive, you are correct. In fact, in 2014 ADF literature described part of its mission as “[seeking] to recover the robust Christendomic theology of the 3rd, 4th, and 5th centuries.” Ah, yes, the 3rd, 4th, and 5th centuries. What a time to live. Disease, famine, toothless by 30. The Huns at one’s door. And who could forget the nearly complete illiteracy of the general public? But to at least some people at the ADF, this is what poses as the “good old days.”

All of these revelations make me think about advertising, propaganda, the council of Nicea in the 4th century. Look it up (I can’t explain everything). And after pondering all of these things, I only have one question. Whatever happened to the Bud Bowl? It seemed like a good thing. Remember Bud Bowl 6? This Bud Bowl featured the first appearance by a can of beer in the game. The can scored a touchdown, but was ejected from the Bud Bowl shortly thereafter for excessive celebration and foul language.

Fucking can. I had money on that game.