What follows is an excerpt from the book, Hillbillies Don’t Drive Hyundais. Now you will really learn something. We here at MO Central abhor a lot of things, but ignorance is the biggest thing we abhor. Also, we abhor spicy food. We can’t sleep as it is. Plus, this isn’t Mexico. Even though those damned Democrats want it to be. North Mexico. Fuckers.

Anyway, back to the book.

Vampire Hookers

When I was a teenager, my brother and I rented the movie “Vampire Hookers” from the local video store.  It had one of the Carradines in it.  Probably David.  Anyway, the movie did not have much of a plot.  Don’t look up “Vampire Hookers” at work.  That can be a lot to explain away.  And adding “movie” to the search doesn’t really help.

Rabbits

Rabbits are stupid little creatures.  Every year, they come to my house and eat the flowers I have planted.  For a while, it seems as if they are everywhere.  Then I see a fox in my yard late at night.  And you know what the fox says?  He says I’m going to eat every damn rabbit in this yard.  Dang da dang da dang diddly.

Lorena Bobbitt

I often find myself wondering what happened to Lorena Bobbit?  I wonder if she is in jail or if she has a job or if she goes bowling on Wednesday night.  I especially wonder if she has remarried.  If she is remarried, I have something to tell her husband.  And it’s pretty important.

Pygmy Rattlers

I think it would suck to be bitten by a pygmy rattler.  Frankly, it would kind of be undignified.  Imagine the later conversation. 

“How did you get that hook on your left hand?” 

“Er, I got bitten by a venomous snake.”

“Holy shit!  What was it?  A cobra or a krait or a diamondback rattler?”

You look down.  “A pygmy rattler,” you say sheepishly.

Next time that happens, just tell the guy your wife, Lorena, caught you whacking off while watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

The Rainbow Theory of the Universe

Now some physicists are saying that there was no Big Bang and that, in actuality, the universe has no beginning.  You see, they theorize that because different light has varying wavelengths that….Why am I telling you this?  You are still trying to figure out why that guy got his hand cut off.

Jim Nabors

Why was Jim Nabors famous?  I know he had a reasonable singing voice.  Still, his fame is an indictment on that generation.  Yes, I understand that the Kardashians are a hell of a lot worse than Jim Nabors ever was.  And Jim Nabors never made a sex tape.  Imagine if he did.  Haha.  I bet you are sorry that image ever went through your head.  Probably makes you want to cut your brain out.

Hog Farming

I like ham.  So it is good that there are hog farmers.  Keep it up.

Dating

If your new girlfriend has platonic male friends, they are only guys who want to get in her pants but don’t have enough balls to make an overt attempt.  This is true if your woman is 18 or 50.  Keep this information to yourself at all costs.  Women deny this and will say you are overreacting.  They get very angry when you are proved right.

Facebook

Facebook illustrates how irritating some middle aged women become.  No one cares about their kid’s peewee hockey game.  And since when did she come to Jesus?  The last time you saw her, she was doing beer bongs in a French Maid’s outfit.  Unfriend these women immediately.  They will only make you feel old.

Old People at the Grocery Store

Old people don’t care about you.  That is why they block the aisles when they talk to each other.  There are two ways to deal with this.  Go all the way around or barrel your way through them.  My advice?  Barrel through them.  The odds are that if you go around you will just find two more just like them on the other side.  And quit wasting your energy wishing death on the elderly.  Old people are like dandelions.  There are always more.  And they hate your Smartphone.

Smartphones

The greatest thing about Smartphones is their ability to settle wagers.  Want to know who holds the record for passing yardage in one game?  Norm Van Brocklin, idiot.

Addendum to Smartphones

If you have a friend who questions the accuracy of the Internet, you need a new friend.  I hate guys like that.  Who would lie about Norm Van Brocklin’s record?  Well, Norm Van Brocklin.  But he’s so old he probably doesn’t even know what the Internet is.  Like as not, he is blocking somebody from getting to the 2 percent milk right now.  Actually, Norm Van Brocklin is dead.  You know how I knew that?  The Internet.

South Park

Quit quoting South Park.  You sound like my nephew.  Except you are way fatter.  Anyway, it is not that witty.  Except the time Cartman feeds Scott Tenorman’s parents to him in his chili.  That is a really funny one.  I like the part where Cartman says he is licking the “tears of unfathomable sadness.”

Also, quit quoting Star Trek.  And Star Wars.  And throw away that Yoda t-shirt for Chrissakes.

Caveat to Above

Any man who can score wearing a Yoda t-shirt and quoting Star Trek has my undying respect.  As long as the girl isn’t dressed as Uhura.  Also, busty video game girls don’t count.  Unless you are Japanese.  Those guys really get into that shit.

China

China is full of people who like to breed.  Nearly one and a half billion and still counting.  Pretty soon China will take over the world and populate all lands.  Then, everyone will speak Mandarin.  Mandarin is an ugly language, albeit not as ugly as German.  Every German word sounds as if it is accompanied by a bowel movement.  What we need to do is send some Japanese pornographic anime to over to China.  That will distract them from real sex.  And we won’t need to learn how to write like this:

9/# //_+==!////{{

Caveat

Those are not actual Chinese letters.  It is just a demonstration.  I don’t know any Chinese.  We speak English in America.  And Spanish.

Yaks

Yaks are dumb looking animals.  They look as if they were the inspiration for a Dr. Suess book.  I wonder if they know this.  If they did, they would be really smart.  And that would be ironic as hell.  Unlike rain on your wedding day.  Which isn’t so much ironic, as it is bad luck.  Canadians might have a different understanding of the word “ironic,” however.

ACHTUNG!

Is Adolph still on the can? I think that he might be.

When I look up at night, I marvel at the expanse before me. Planets, distant stars, the glow of the Milky Way (my favorite galaxy– fuck Andromeda). By turns, I am awed by the mystery of it all and humbled by my own insignificance. Indeed, scientists estimate that there are 100 to 400 billion stars in the Milky Way alone. Within the observable universe it is estimated that there as many as two trillion galaxies, containing more stars that all the grains of beach sand of planet Earth. While I am admittedly no math genius, that is a lot of stars. One can only imagine what may be happening in the distance reaches of the known universe. What astonishing scientific curiosities must await our discovery. And what novel forms of life. Perhaps the Daleks are really out there, menacing a real life Dr. Who.

Or not.

You see, there are many people living in our modern world who think that none of the above exists. And I am not just talking about Daleks and immortal doctors traveling in their Tardis. Take, for example, Tyler Owens, an NFL prospect from Texas (Shocking!) who matriculated at Texas Tech. During the NFL combine, Tyler said “I’m real religious, so I think we are alone right now. I don’t think there’s other planets and stuff like that.” Owens went on to add that, “I thought I used to believe in the heliocentric thing where we used to revolve around the sun and stuff. But then I started seeing flat Earth stuff and I was like, this is kind of interesting.”

Hmmm. Speaking of interesting, it appears that this young man is not alone among NFL players when it comes to his opinions on the existence of space. Jason Kelce, former Philadelphia Eagles lineman, said “you’d be surprised” how many people in the NFL believe the Earth is flat. I’m sure he is correct. Any number beyond zero people not believing in space is surprising. Well, I guess any number beyond one, given Owens’ testimony.

As might be obvious, the MO could go in a number of directions with these revelations. Certainly, one could question the effectiveness of the astronomy department at Texas Tech. But first, I will answer one of Kelce’s teammates who asked “how you know it isn’t?” in reference to speculation about the world’s flatness. Well, young scholar, you can sail (or nowadays fly in these magical vessels known as planes) clear around the world and come right back to where you started. Unbelievably, this has even been accomplished. Perhaps you have heard of a voyage led by a guy by the name of Magellan? 1519-22? He got killed in the Philippines? Maybe you haven’t heard. Well, it was big news once. Anyway, you can stand on shore and watch a boat slowly sink into the horizon.

“But how do you know the boat wasn’t eaten by a sea monster?” (I’m not sure these guys believe in sea monsters, but this is just an example).

Hmmm. An interesting question. The answer, of course, is that the boat and sailors return to boat. Ergo, they have not been eaten by a sea monster.

“But how do you know that the boat and sailors are really the same and not some demons sent by the devil to trick us into running a boat off the end of the flat Earth?”

I have to admit that this is a stumper of sorts. Damn you, demons of hell and your treacherous ways!!

Anyway, going back to the non-existence of the planets, I do find it a tad disturbing that my teachers and scientists would play this elaborate ruse on me. Apparently, telescopes are instruments of the Dark One, designed to fool a gullible public. And those planet names should have tipped me off. Your anus. That’s just a dirty joke.

When I hear people say they don’t believe in space- particularly those who have supposedly attended college courses- it tends to put a frown on my face. After all, it seems fairly obvious that there is a sun. I’m looking out of my window and there it is, just like always. And last night I could see stars and planets. Plus, we have movies called Star Wars, Star Trek, Starship Troopers, Star Man. Will these movies now require an asterisk? *Wars: A New Hope. I guess Star Wars was written and directed by Jews. Just another one of their conspiracies. Damn you, Soros. Speaking of unbelief, Jews don’t even believe in Jesus. That’s even worse than not believing in space. No wonder they are always using those space lasers.

Wait. How can that be if there isn’t any… No matter, it is time to move on.

Despite my jocular tone, I think it is important for all of us to remember that at any given time, we might be standing next to someone who thinks the moon and Mars are props painted onto a black background that is wheeled into place above us every night. Who does this wheeling? Why, angels, I suppose. What else do they have to do? They don’t eat or shit or screw. And I have never heard of angels fishing or making rap videos.

“I spend all day wheeling skies, watching out for heathens telling lies.”

That’s how angels rap. Or would. If they weren’t changing sky scenery all of the time.

Regardless, please keep in mind that there’s an election in eight short months. And that every single person who thinks space is fake has as many votes as you do.

God bless America.