When I look up at night, I marvel at the expanse before me. Planets, distant stars, the glow of the Milky Way (my favorite galaxy– fuck Andromeda). By turns, I am awed by the mystery of it all and humbled by my own insignificance. Indeed, scientists estimate that there are 100 to 400 billion stars in the Milky Way alone. Within the observable universe it is estimated that there as many as two trillion galaxies, containing more stars that all the grains of beach sand of planet Earth. While I am admittedly no math genius, that is a lot of stars. One can only imagine what may be happening in the distance reaches of the known universe. What astonishing scientific curiosities must await our discovery. And what novel forms of life. Perhaps the Daleks are really out there, menacing a real life Dr. Who.

Or not.

You see, there are many people living in our modern world who think that none of the above exists. And I am not just talking about Daleks and immortal doctors traveling in their Tardis. Take, for example, Tyler Owens, an NFL prospect from Texas (Shocking!) who matriculated at Texas Tech. During the NFL combine, Tyler said “I’m real religious, so I think we are alone right now. I don’t think there’s other planets and stuff like that.” Owens went on to add that, “I thought I used to believe in the heliocentric thing where we used to revolve around the sun and stuff. But then I started seeing flat Earth stuff and I was like, this is kind of interesting.”

Hmmm. Speaking of interesting, it appears that this young man is not alone among NFL players when it comes to his opinions on the existence of space. Jason Kelce, former Philadelphia Eagles lineman, said “you’d be surprised” how many people in the NFL believe the Earth is flat. I’m sure he is correct. Any number beyond zero people not believing in space is surprising. Well, I guess any number beyond one, given Owens’ testimony.

As might be obvious, the MO could go in a number of directions with these revelations. Certainly, one could question the effectiveness of the astronomy department at Texas Tech. But first, I will answer one of Kelce’s teammates who asked “how you know it isn’t?” in reference to speculation about the world’s flatness. Well, young scholar, you can sail (or nowadays fly in these magical vessels known as planes) clear around the world and come right back to where you started. Unbelievably, this has even been accomplished. Perhaps you have heard of a voyage led by a guy by the name of Magellan? 1519-22? He got killed in the Philippines? Maybe you haven’t heard. Well, it was big news once. Anyway, you can stand on shore and watch a boat slowly sink into the horizon.

“But how do you know the boat wasn’t eaten by a sea monster?” (I’m not sure these guys believe in sea monsters, but this is just an example).

Hmmm. An interesting question. The answer, of course, is that the boat and sailors return to boat. Ergo, they have not been eaten by a sea monster.

“But how do you know that the boat and sailors are really the same and not some demons sent by the devil to trick us into running a boat off the end of the flat Earth?”

I have to admit that this is a stumper of sorts. Damn you, demons of hell and your treacherous ways!!

Anyway, going back to the non-existence of the planets, I do find it a tad disturbing that my teachers and scientists would play this elaborate ruse on me. Apparently, telescopes are instruments of the Dark One, designed to fool a gullible public. And those planet names should have tipped me off. Your anus. That’s just a dirty joke.

When I hear people say they don’t believe in space- particularly those who have supposedly attended college courses- it tends to put a frown on my face. After all, it seems fairly obvious that there is a sun. I’m looking out of my window and there it is, just like always. And last night I could see stars and planets. Plus, we have movies called Star Wars, Star Trek, Starship Troopers, Star Man. Will these movies now require an asterisk? *Wars: A New Hope. I guess Star Wars was written and directed by Jews. Just another one of their conspiracies. Damn you, Soros. Speaking of unbelief, Jews don’t even believe in Jesus. That’s even worse than not believing in space. No wonder they are always using those space lasers.

Wait. How can that be if there isn’t any… No matter, it is time to move on.

Despite my jocular tone, I think it is important for all of us to remember that at any given time, we might be standing next to someone who thinks the moon and Mars are props painted onto a black background that is wheeled into place above us every night. Who does this wheeling? Why, angels, I suppose. What else do they have to do? They don’t eat or shit or screw. And I have never heard of angels fishing or making rap videos.

“I spend all day wheeling skies, watching out for heathens telling lies.”

That’s how angels rap. Or would. If they weren’t changing sky scenery all of the time.

Regardless, please keep in mind that there’s an election in eight short months. And that every single person who thinks space is fake has as many votes as you do.

God bless America.