The title of this post could be construed a number of different ways. It could be about bowling, for example. Or feral cats. Perhaps it could be a Cheers retrospective, and one I would be curious to watch. But it is about tornadoes.

If you weren’t aware, the US is the King of the World when it comes to tornadoes. And it isn’t even close. We blow everyone else out of the water. Pow!! Munchkins and little black dogs for everyone. As a sidebar, should the Munchkins really be so happy when the Wicked Witch of the East gets house-crushed? Given the fact that her angry, green sister is still around, their glee seems a bit premature. But Munchkin is inscrutable. Though welcoming. Directional witches excepted.

While glued to the Weather Channel, I often find I am fascinated by tornadoes. You take a little warm air, a little cold air, get some wind shear and Wallah!! Trailer homes can fly. Interestingly, tornadoes hit the same states year after year. Even more notably, these states are almost exclusively conservative. Oklahoma, Texas, Missouri, Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas- all commonly are hit by tornado outbreaks. There are scientific explanations for this phenomenon.

However, in my opinion it is because these people hate drag shows. In fact, the percentage of drag show haters in a state correlates directly with the number of tornados that strike a state. Don’t believe me? When is the last time Rhode Island got hammered by an EF5? Never. They have only had 20 recorded tornadoes since 1787 and none of the bigger than an EF2. I should call Joe Rogan with this information. Perhaps he will have me on his podcast. If it goes well, I will run for President. Only in America. Though once I become President I will never travel to any of those tornado-attracting states. Fly over only. Besides, I’ve listened to “Choctaw Bingo.” Other than the cousins part its a pretty bleak description of the area.

Helen Hunt was really rolling when she made Twister. Then she basically disappeared a few years later. What happened? Who knows? Your guess is as good as mine. But since I am running for public office, I get precedent. Thus, I imagine she was kidnapped by a bunch of Munchkins. Not real Munchkins. Kidnappers dressed as Munchkins. Little people. Maybe a short juvenile delinquent or two . In fairness, she was really popular. The Munchkins probably thought she could be ransomed for a lot of money. But, as noted earlier, Munchkins often don’t think ahead very well and Hunt’s career pretty much cratered after 2000. Too bad. She was a decent actress, in my expert opinion.

On the other hand, I hate Paul Reiser. Not as much as the group Steely Dan, but certainly in that category. The only decent thing Reiser was ever in was Aliens and he plays the villain in that one. Luckily, the alien takes care of him in violent fashion. Which makes me wonder, who would win in a fight- the alien or the Wicked Witch of the West? I guess that is not pertinent to the conversation. They are both green is why I was thinking about it. Unlike the state bird of Rhode Island, which is the Rhode Island Red.

Rhode Island Reds hate tornados. That’s why they live there.

I guess Paul Reiser was also in The Boys. He sullied an otherwise fine show. Paul Reiser is the Jar Jar Binks of The Boys. Though in fairness to Jar Jar Binks, the kid who played Anakin was the Paul Reiser of child actors.

Somebody should have dropped a house on him. Of course, it would have missed him. The Force and all.

Not long ago, but in a different time, gambling was considered a vice. It was the domain of organized crime, run by guys name Bugsy and Pretty Boy and Scarface. It was also very lucrative. Vices often are. They don’t give cocaine away, after all. Though we would probably be a much more productive country if they did. Regardless, nobody of character and standing condoned gambling- at least not in public. Preachers railed against it from the pulpit and politicians waved adamant fingers at the prospect of its legality. Certainly, little old ladies everywhere were against it. Though little old ladies are notorious for being against most things, other than crocheting and Wheel of Fortune. The old women love Vanna and Pat. Spin the wheel and take your chances! Hmmm. Anyway, gambling was bad. I watched Eight Men Out. Poor Shoeless Joe, wrongly accused. And poor Pete Rose- rightly accused, but ironically given the present gambling zeitgeist. Baseball is full of tragedy.

Regardless, gambling bad. Until some people started thinking about how much money gambling was generating. After all, was it fair that Bugsy and Scarface were cashing in and honest, upright citizens were not? Clearly, it was not fair as lotteries began to spring up everywhere.

Ah, the lottery, a true American experience when legions of math-idiots throw their money away on tickets to prosperity. To justify this fleecing of the statistically ignorant, states give some of the lottery money to good works like education and property tax relief. That sounds nice. Of course, economist Tim Smeeding from UW-Madison’s La Follette School of Public Affairs says in many cases, people from poor communities are spending 8-9% of their total incomes on lottery tickets. But who cares about those poor folk? Nobody put a gun to their head.

Anyway, as noted above, at least the lottery wasn’t like sports gambling. That was really bad. People went to jail left and right over it. But then everybody decided to legalize sports gambling and put commercials on tv. Then it was awesome! Besides, they put a little blurb on the bottom of the screen when advertising – Have a Gambling Problem? And then they give the viewer a number to call if the answer to this question is “yes.” They do this because everyone with a gambling problem immediately calls that number so they stop gambling. After all, gambling sites definitely want gamblers with gambling problems to stop gambling. Why wouldn’t they?

Our country’s newfound love affair with gambling reminds me of another movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. I’m speaking of the part of the movie where George had never been born. You remember, “maybe it would be better if I’d never been born.”

And Clarence says “You’ve got your wish.”

Because George is such a dumbshit he doesn’t value the life that has been given him. And then his little brother drowns after going through thin ice. Apparently, being a dumbshit runs in the Bailey family. Certainly, Uncle Billy is a dumbshit. If only that SOB hadn’t stopped to gloat at Mr. Potter’s. Genetics don’t lie, I suppose.

I digress. After George is removed from the universe, the aforementioned Mr. Potter has no one to thwart his nefarious schemes. And one of Potter’s first schemes is to rename Bedford Falls as Pottersville and to turn the newly-monickered town into a den of gambling and other iniquity. (It’s not often that you see the words Zeitgeist and iniquity in one blog. You’re very welcome.)

Wooooo! And what fun all that gambling and drinking and whoring is. Whoooooo!!!!

“Get me, I’m giving out property-tax relief!” Pottersville is booming. Though on the wall behind the bar there is a poster that says the following:

Got a Gambling Problem? Call 555-1468.

The only catch is that Potter owns the gambling rehab as well. He is such a shrewd bastard. First, taking the eleven thousand dollars from the witless Uncle Billy and now this. Somebody should name the library after him. The library where George’s not-wife now works. Because George was the only man in the whole county who would have her. My guess is she had some sort of venereal disease or something. I mean, she was a pretty good looking young woman. Why else would she remain an old maid? Unless she was an inveterate gambler, which is a real possibility in the George-less universe.

Since I am thinking about the movie, I realize that among its many themes It’s a Wonderful Life is an early proponent of the Many Worlds theory of existence. Without boring the reader too much, just watch the movie Butterfly Effect. It will tell you everything you need to know. Alright, I’ll take a little time.

You see, quantum physics tells us that the entire universe relies on probabilities. Like, there’s this cat and he is owned by Schrodinger and the cat is in a box. I’m not sure why. Maybe Schrodinger is traveling. Maybe he is going to kill the cat. And that’s the point. We don’t know if the cat is alive until we open the box. Until then the cat is just a probability wave that collapses the minute there is an observer. Heavy shit. If you have watched the movie, the person Mr. Gower poisons could be the cat. Provided they live in a box.

The overarching point is that no matter what Einstein says, god does play dice. And that is why we have legalized basically all forms of gambling.

Because it is god’s will.

More points to ponder for the thinking person. You can read it, too.

Masturbation

I just read a book where the guy has an aneurysm while masturbating.  This story should never have been told.  At the very least, it is a tale that falls one character short of the minimum. Take some time and think. You’ll get it.

Hitler

Do you wonder if Hitler ever wore blue jeans?  I have never seen a picture of him in anything but his uniform.  Then again, I have never seen a picture of Janis Joplin sober.  I can hear Eva Braun now. 

“My, Adolph, your ass looks nice in those Wranglers.”

Hitler replies, “Are you almost done in there?  I’ve really got to go.”

This joke only makes sense if you read the previous post.

Aging

The sucky thing about getting old is remembering all the times you laughed about other people being as old as you are now.  If you are young, you can feel free to laugh at that statement.  However, you should know your time is coming.  And it is not very nice for you to laugh like that.  That is why I will be blocking off the dairy aisle from you.

Some Truths

Trekkies rarely, if ever, contract venereal disease.

Hillbillies don’t drive Hyundais.

Fat people don’t get that way by not eating.

They are, however, less irritating than people with 26.2 stickers on the back of their Hyundais.

Politics

When I was a kid, I assumed the people who run the country are our best and brightest.  In fairness to the wee me, that is pretty much what I was told.  As the years passed, I thought everyone had lied to me.  Then the Republicans ran Sarah Palin and I realized no one could tell that ridiculous of a lie and still keep a straight face.  I mean, Sarah Palin was downright dangerous.  Look at the rise in aneurysms in Republican households.  That is a lot of blind people. 

Also, do you remember when Sarah Palin seemed bad? Hahahahaha.

Parkour

Parkour is where young, spry guys with floppy hair jump from building to building.  Kind of like Spider Man without the actual powers.  I can see no merit in this activity and refuse to condone it.  And I never see any of these guys wearing jeans, either.  Usually they wear those long shorts halfway down their ass.  Don’t condone that, either.  I would go crazy if I didn’t wear a belt.  It just feels weird.

Mount Everest

As you may have heard, Mount Everest is the tallest mountain in the world.  It is 29035 feet above sea level at its peak.  Thus, it is considered a big deal in some circles to climb to the top.  Not in Sherpa circles, however.  They climb it all the time.  It is their job.  A few people die climbing Mount Everest every year.  Usually they freeze.  Sometimes they take a spectacular tumble.  I think I’d rather take a tumble.  If you freeze, they leave you there for later mountaineers to walk around.  And you aren’t a symbol of courage in the face of death. You are just a failure.  Plus, the Sherpas probably make catty remarks about all the dead people on the mountain because they are so bored with going up and down. 

Wardrobe Choices at Rock Fest

Rock Fest is a festival of rock music in Cadott, Wisconsin.  Pretty clever, huh?  Anyway, bands come and play in a field and people watch them and get drunk.  These people who watch the bands also forget what they look like.  Rock Fest is full of middle aged men walking around in shorts with their shirts off.  Apparently, they do not have any self-image problems.  If you go to Rock Fest, you will wish they did.  And how many guys got barbed wire tattoos around their biceps in the 90’s?  About as many as women with tramp stamps.  If you go to RockFest, pray for rain.  Unless you are a Sarah Palin enthusiast who no longer has the gift of sight.  In this case, your self immolation was prescient. 

Big Words

I’ll bet you needed to go to the dictionary for that last sentence.  I told you I have a Master’s degree in English.  I can also discuss Crime and Punishment from a Marxist perspective.  Shut up, Yoda t-shirt wearing guy. 

The Playground in Glidden, Wisconsin in 1980

I grew up in a tiny town in northern Wisconsin called Glidden.  For a variety of reasons, we had a number of behaviorally disturbed students at our school.  Think arson and animal cruelty.  Anyway, when I was in fifth grade I was standing on the playground waiting to line up at the end of recess.  Standing next to me was a 16 year old who had mental problems.  For reasons known only to him, he turned and jacked me one in the face.  Down I went.  He probably would have tried to kill me, but my friends intervened.  Later, the teacher said I should understand that my assailant had problems.  In retrospect, I realize I should have punched her in the face.  That would have been ironic- even in Canada.

Herpes Stories

As a factory supervisor, I have heard many reasons for the absence of my employees.  Twice, the reason has been herpes.  One of these times the woman started to pull down her pants to show me the extent of her problem.  I told her I would take her word for it.  Unfortunately, I did notice she was wearing a thong.  A green one.  I had never seen a green thong before.  I wonder if her boyfriend bought it for her.  That would have been a sweet gesture.  Especially if he was the one who gave her herpes.  If he isn’t the one, I have something to tell him.  And it is pretty important.

Anaconda Hunting

I watched a show on the Discovery Channel about anacondas.  If you were not already aware, anacondas are really big snakes.  Not as big as in the movie.  That was ridiculous.  So was Jon Voight being in a movie with Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez.  He was in another river movie you know. Deliverance.  That movie was a lot scarier than Anaconda.

Anyway, biologists need to find anacondas to study them.  They do this by going barefoot and feeling around for them in vegetation thick, shallow water.  I do not have a Ph.D in biology.  If I did, I would like to think I could exercise a little better judgment.

Fast and Furious

Don’t try this in real life.  I am not kidding. 

Bridge to Terabithia

Bridge to Terabithia is a book I read as a preteen.  It seemed like a really nice story.  It was about two kids, a boy, Jesse, and a girl, Leslie, who forge a friendship over the summer.  They create an imaginary world called Terabithia where they can escape all the troubles of the real world.    Anyway, Jesse has a crush on his teacher.  One day he goes to the museum with the teacher without telling Leslie or his parents.  When he returns home, he finds out that Leslie has drowned in the creek.  This is a definite downer.  Like I say, it seemed like a really nice story.  I guess the moral of the story is don’t go chasing older bitches.  Or learn to swim.  At least Leslie didn’t turn out to be a witch in the story.

Star Wars

Like most people my age, I love Star Wars.  However, there are some holes in the storyline.  I would first like to discuss the demise of the first Death Star.  Are you really telling me that the Empire had engineers capable of making a weapon the size of a small moon, but that these same engineers were so stupid that this same weapon could be destroyed by a chain reaction through an exhaust vent?  And that is not like shooting Wamp rats, no matter what Luke says.  Also, why does the fish face alien on the command ship still have barbels?  What would he need them for now that he walks on land?  Does he still need to feel around on the bottom for his food? 

There is also the whole Luke and Leia incest thing.

Speaking of Near Incest Encounters

I was told this story by someone I know.  This someone was talking to a woman who was rather distraught over her husband’s post-divorce actions.  You see, the ex-husband was now screwing this woman’s mother.  Needless to say, the holidays will be rather awkward in this family.  On the other hand, the children won’t have to get used to their dad’s new woman.  I suppose there is a silver lining to every cloud.