More points to ponder for the thinking person. You can read it, too.

Masturbation

I just read a book where the guy has an aneurysm while masturbating.  This story should never have been told.  At the very least, it is a tale that falls one character short of the minimum. Take some time and think. You’ll get it.

Hitler

Do you wonder if Hitler ever wore blue jeans?  I have never seen a picture of him in anything but his uniform.  Then again, I have never seen a picture of Janis Joplin sober.  I can hear Eva Braun now. 

“My, Adolph, your ass looks nice in those Wranglers.”

Hitler replies, “Are you almost done in there?  I’ve really got to go.”

This joke only makes sense if you read the previous post.

Aging

The sucky thing about getting old is remembering all the times you laughed about other people being as old as you are now.  If you are young, you can feel free to laugh at that statement.  However, you should know your time is coming.  And it is not very nice for you to laugh like that.  That is why I will be blocking off the dairy aisle from you.

Some Truths

Trekkies rarely, if ever, contract venereal disease.

Hillbillies don’t drive Hyundais.

Fat people don’t get that way by not eating.

They are, however, less irritating than people with 26.2 stickers on the back of their Hyundais.

Politics

When I was a kid, I assumed the people who run the country are our best and brightest.  In fairness to the wee me, that is pretty much what I was told.  As the years passed, I thought everyone had lied to me.  Then the Republicans ran Sarah Palin and I realized no one could tell that ridiculous of a lie and still keep a straight face.  I mean, Sarah Palin was downright dangerous.  Look at the rise in aneurysms in Republican households.  That is a lot of blind people. 

Also, do you remember when Sarah Palin seemed bad? Hahahahaha.

Parkour

Parkour is where young, spry guys with floppy hair jump from building to building.  Kind of like Spider Man without the actual powers.  I can see no merit in this activity and refuse to condone it.  And I never see any of these guys wearing jeans, either.  Usually they wear those long shorts halfway down their ass.  Don’t condone that, either.  I would go crazy if I didn’t wear a belt.  It just feels weird.

Mount Everest

As you may have heard, Mount Everest is the tallest mountain in the world.  It is 29035 feet above sea level at its peak.  Thus, it is considered a big deal in some circles to climb to the top.  Not in Sherpa circles, however.  They climb it all the time.  It is their job.  A few people die climbing Mount Everest every year.  Usually they freeze.  Sometimes they take a spectacular tumble.  I think I’d rather take a tumble.  If you freeze, they leave you there for later mountaineers to walk around.  And you aren’t a symbol of courage in the face of death. You are just a failure.  Plus, the Sherpas probably make catty remarks about all the dead people on the mountain because they are so bored with going up and down. 

Wardrobe Choices at Rock Fest

Rock Fest is a festival of rock music in Cadott, Wisconsin.  Pretty clever, huh?  Anyway, bands come and play in a field and people watch them and get drunk.  These people who watch the bands also forget what they look like.  Rock Fest is full of middle aged men walking around in shorts with their shirts off.  Apparently, they do not have any self-image problems.  If you go to Rock Fest, you will wish they did.  And how many guys got barbed wire tattoos around their biceps in the 90’s?  About as many as women with tramp stamps.  If you go to RockFest, pray for rain.  Unless you are a Sarah Palin enthusiast who no longer has the gift of sight.  In this case, your self immolation was prescient. 

Big Words

I’ll bet you needed to go to the dictionary for that last sentence.  I told you I have a Master’s degree in English.  I can also discuss Crime and Punishment from a Marxist perspective.  Shut up, Yoda t-shirt wearing guy. 

The Playground in Glidden, Wisconsin in 1980

I grew up in a tiny town in northern Wisconsin called Glidden.  For a variety of reasons, we had a number of behaviorally disturbed students at our school.  Think arson and animal cruelty.  Anyway, when I was in fifth grade I was standing on the playground waiting to line up at the end of recess.  Standing next to me was a 16 year old who had mental problems.  For reasons known only to him, he turned and jacked me one in the face.  Down I went.  He probably would have tried to kill me, but my friends intervened.  Later, the teacher said I should understand that my assailant had problems.  In retrospect, I realize I should have punched her in the face.  That would have been ironic- even in Canada.

Herpes Stories

As a factory supervisor, I have heard many reasons for the absence of my employees.  Twice, the reason has been herpes.  One of these times the woman started to pull down her pants to show me the extent of her problem.  I told her I would take her word for it.  Unfortunately, I did notice she was wearing a thong.  A green one.  I had never seen a green thong before.  I wonder if her boyfriend bought it for her.  That would have been a sweet gesture.  Especially if he was the one who gave her herpes.  If he isn’t the one, I have something to tell him.  And it is pretty important.

Anaconda Hunting

I watched a show on the Discovery Channel about anacondas.  If you were not already aware, anacondas are really big snakes.  Not as big as in the movie.  That was ridiculous.  So was Jon Voight being in a movie with Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez.  He was in another river movie you know. Deliverance.  That movie was a lot scarier than Anaconda.

Anyway, biologists need to find anacondas to study them.  They do this by going barefoot and feeling around for them in vegetation thick, shallow water.  I do not have a Ph.D in biology.  If I did, I would like to think I could exercise a little better judgment.

Fast and Furious

Don’t try this in real life.  I am not kidding. 

Bridge to Terabithia

Bridge to Terabithia is a book I read as a preteen.  It seemed like a really nice story.  It was about two kids, a boy, Jesse, and a girl, Leslie, who forge a friendship over the summer.  They create an imaginary world called Terabithia where they can escape all the troubles of the real world.    Anyway, Jesse has a crush on his teacher.  One day he goes to the museum with the teacher without telling Leslie or his parents.  When he returns home, he finds out that Leslie has drowned in the creek.  This is a definite downer.  Like I say, it seemed like a really nice story.  I guess the moral of the story is don’t go chasing older bitches.  Or learn to swim.  At least Leslie didn’t turn out to be a witch in the story.

Star Wars

Like most people my age, I love Star Wars.  However, there are some holes in the storyline.  I would first like to discuss the demise of the first Death Star.  Are you really telling me that the Empire had engineers capable of making a weapon the size of a small moon, but that these same engineers were so stupid that this same weapon could be destroyed by a chain reaction through an exhaust vent?  And that is not like shooting Wamp rats, no matter what Luke says.  Also, why does the fish face alien on the command ship still have barbels?  What would he need them for now that he walks on land?  Does he still need to feel around on the bottom for his food? 

There is also the whole Luke and Leia incest thing.

Speaking of Near Incest Encounters

I was told this story by someone I know.  This someone was talking to a woman who was rather distraught over her husband’s post-divorce actions.  You see, the ex-husband was now screwing this woman’s mother.  Needless to say, the holidays will be rather awkward in this family.  On the other hand, the children won’t have to get used to their dad’s new woman.  I suppose there is a silver lining to every cloud.