It was reported in late February that a man’s Jack Russell terrier ate his owner’s penis. The man, who was surprisingly not from Florida (he was actually German), was reportedly rushed to the hospital when he awoke sans important equipment. Though, in fairness, the man was 66 years old so the importance of this equipment has surely faded. Not that he didn’t need it. I’m just saying that this situation would have been much more tragic if the man were 26.

Anyway, the story goes that neighbors alerted the police after they heard the dog’s incessant barking at 2am. When first responders arrived, they heard loud groans coming from the interior of the man’s apartment. Which tracks, because the man was missing his penis. And that is not exactly something that a person would misplace. Frankenstein might, I suppose. Assuming Frankenstein has a penis. Since there is a Bride of Frankenstein I think we can assume that he does.

Getting back to Germany, EMS broke down the man’s door to find him writhing on the ground next to his barking dog (gloating, it appeared, over his penis snatching). The penis-less man was rushed to the hospital where he was put into an induced coma. His penis was never found.

However, it appears that the Jack Russell terrier has been falsely accused. Much like dogs eating someone’s homework, the terrier was a convenient scapegoat for the misdeeds of a human being. While the culprit has not been found, police now say that the penis severing had a human perpetrator.

“The man, we now know,” said the local constable, “was Bobbitted.”

He did not say that. But he sure as hell would have if he had only would have had the nuts to do so. Maybe his dog got to him. Not that Germans are known for their sense of humor. Though the word “wienerschnitzel” is sort of funny. And loosely appropriate given the current subject. Regardless, the dog, like a Aryan Lassie, was only trying to help his owner.

“Lassie, get help. My penis has gone missing.”

“Woof! Woof!”

Of course, this is the problem in the modern world. Misinformation. That dog is lucky he wasn’t euthanized by a crowd of angry penis-rights people.

“What do we want?”

“Intact penises!”

“When do we want them!”

“Now!”

This was from the original German. So, it’s possible that something was lost in translation.

Reportedly, there were counter-protestors. No doubt lesbians and other man-hating types who have no need for penises. Or priests. I suppose they could have been really dedicated dog-lovers. It doesn’t really matter.

The upshot is that a scurrilous rumor was made up about this poor dog. And he has no recourse, even though he has been exonerated by the local police. As of yet, the culprit remains at large, a fact that surely puts a chill into the genitals of Germans everywhere. The official theory of the police is that the penis-separation incident was either a crime or a sex accident. I’m not sure Columbo will be following up on this one. My advice is to look for the jilted lover carrying a knife.

“Did you know the suspect?”

“Yes. We were lovers.”

The German cop rubs his chin with his thumb. “Hmmmm. Jilted lover?”

The ex-lover rolls his or her eyes. (We can’t make any assumptions here.) “Yes. I suppose you could describe me as jilted.”

“Hmmmmm.” More chin rubbing. “You wouldn’t happen to have a knife with you, would you?”

In other news, in 2012 a 61-year-old Austrian man was attacked by a loose dog who bit the man’s genitals off.

“Nein, hund! Nein, hund! Nein, nein, neinnnnnn!!!!”

This story brings up an interesting question. What is with German-speaking people and dogs? Are these dogs taught to “sic balls,” much like the junkyard dog in Stand by Me? Or, are Germans inherently abusive towards their dogs, creating some sort of animosity in their supposed best friends? In fairness, I have no idea about what the statistics are, world-wide, on genital eating dog episodes. I would look on the Internet, but I’m pretty sure I’d end up with a computer virus before you could say “Jack Russell.”

You’ll be pleased to know be pleased to know that the Austrian man, after a several-hour operation, had his genitals saved.

I like happy endings.