I’m sure you have noticed this, but I will point it out anyway.  Donald Trump is orange.  And I am not just talking tinted orange.  He is the same color of an overripe orange, like the kind you forget is in the cupboard for about a week too long.  Then you peel it and realize that it is all dry and disgusting on the inside.  So, you throw it away.  But you don’t feel good about it because there are a lot of people in the world who could use an orange.  Sailors on the open sea, for example.  I hear scurvy is a bitch.

“Arrrrr, scurvy is a bitch,” said Blackbeard as he examined the bowed legs of his crew.

See?  I wouldn’t lie to you.  Not about scurvy, anyway.  I would lie about fishing, however.  If you think I’m going to spend all that time walking through mud, afflicted by poison ivy and plagues of mosquitoes only to give you the inside scoop, then you don’t know me very well.  I will never do that.  Find your own damn fish.  This is America, not some bullshit nanny state.  No trout bailouts.  Don’t tread on me.  You will get my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.  I mean a literal gun.  Not the figurative gun.  That gun has nothing to do with cold hands- dead or otherwise.

Anyway, Trump is an orange (if you’re wondering where the segue is, the key word is “dick.”)  A talking orange, to be sure, but nevertheless an orange.  If you think about it, this truth explains a lot.  At the very least, it explains Trump’s adamant stance against illegal immigrants.  After all, who is the enemy of the orange?  It is he who picks the orange.  And who does all the orange picking in this country?  Correct.  It is the illegal aliens.  Trump does not want to picked.  He wants to grow overripe to the point where he begins to become brown and wrinkled.  In fact, he wants all Americans with aspirations to become oranges to have the opportunity to over-ripen.  American can be great again.

As for Ted Cruz, his head resembles a watermelon.  A watermelon filled with evil.  His name is also not Ted.  It is really Rafael.  Not to pick on him, but who in the hell changes their name from Rafael to Ted?  Ted is a good name for a talking stuffed animal.  Though, in fairness, the Teddy bear was named after Theodore Roosevelt.  So, maybe Cruz has something there.

Probably not, though.  After all, he is a Canadian.  And they are a bunch of dirty socialists.  Eh?