The first sheriff of Billings, Montana (or at least of the town that became Billings) was a guy by the name of John “Liver Eating” Johnson.  Now that is a cool name.  I’ll bet you don’t have a cool name like that.  You are probably Steve or Francis or Todd.  Something stupid like that.  Of course, if you had the right nickname you could mitigate your pedestrian moniker.  Maybe you want to be Todd “Liver Eating” Smith.  But you can’t just name yourself that.  You aren’t a rapper.  You have to earn your nickname.

You know how John Johnson became the “Liver Eater?”  He carved out and consumed the livers of his enemies, the Crow Indians.  They were his enemies because they killed “Liver Eating” Johnson’s wife.  Bad move.  Though his name wasn’t “Liver Eating” Johnson then.  It was John “Potentially Cannibal If You Piss Him Off” Johnson.  If there is one that that is true, it is that John Johnson’s nicknames were always appropriate.

Yes, he was the inspiration for the movie Jeremiah Johnson.  Nice catch, trivia geek.  I really like your Yoda t-shirt.  The green of his skin brings out the color of your eyes.

Anyway, the old days weren’t that good.  This is a lie people make up so other people vote Republican.  There was dysentery and polio and slavery.  Mothers died in childbirth all the time and people lived in sod huts.  If you got gangrene or a venereal disease you wished you wouldn’t have.  But, the nicknames were good, maybe even so good as to mitigate some of the downsides to being ignorant of hygiene and modern science.

Say you suddenly contracted syphilis.  You could be Ben “No Nose” Jones.  Dysentery?  Paul “Shit House” Schmidt.  What if you got scarlet fever?  Jennifer “Hot Body” Vanderhook.  From the South?  Emmett “Sister Loving” Davis.  The possibilities were endless.  It almost makes me want to be transported back to those days.  Think about the stupid nicknames we would have now.

“I-Phone” Sally.  Mitchell “Selfie Takin'” Reynolds.  Brad “World of Warcraft Ass Kicker” Templeton.  Scott “I Kneel to Kochs” Walker.

See, they all suck.

Katie “I’m Lookin’ to Dump My Husband by Reconnecting with My Old Boyfriend from College” Newton.  A little better, but a bit elongated.  Maybe if she killed her husband and ate some of his organs we would have more to work with.

Disclaimer:  If anyone decides to kill their spouse and eat his/her organs, Muffet’s Orange disavows any and all liability for said murder and subsequent cannibalism.  Muffet’s Orange does not condone cannibalism unless your wife is murdered by Crow Indians, you are trapped for the winter on Donner Pass, or if you are cast adrift in the South Pacific.

There is also a caveat for gaining the power of your enemy, though that is already loosely covered under the Crow Indian Wife Murder Exception.  Other than that, no cannibalism, regardless of the circumstance.

Reportedly people taste like pig.  But I can’t confirm that.