For those of you familiar with Burning Man, this was not the year to take part. It rained. In the desert. And then the celebrities had to be air lifted out of there. Perishing with the little people, or even bearing witness to the perishing of little people, is optional. The literal unwashed masses watched helplessly as their social betters choppered off to greener pastures. Thukkathukkathukka goes the sound of class stratification. Off with their riffraff heads should they venture too close.

Time to get high and to pray to your pagan gods for a dry, south wind.

According to the website (and written originally by the father of Burning Man, Burning Old Man), Burning Man is guided by Ten Principles. They are as follows:

1- Radical Inclusion. Everyone is welcomed and respected. So long as they have the cash for a ticket.

2- Gifting. I’m translating this as free beer or weed. But maybe I’m way off.

3- Decommodification. My uncle went to Burning Man and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And Ten Principles mug.

4- Radical self-reliance. In other words, quit whining about the fucking rain. You won’t melt. Especially if you buy this dry t-shirt.

5-Radical self-expression. Hmmmm. At the very least this sounds like a good pick-up line. “Hey, you know what the fifth principle is?”

6- Communal effort. Unless you can pay for a helicopter. Then, fuck you.

7- Civic responsibility. I’m pretty sure this one was written tongue in cheek.

8- Leaving no trace. Just like everybody does on Earth Day. Heh heh. Cue the crying Indian.

9- Participation. Just apply number five to a group.

10-Immediacy. Hilarious. Unless Insta is considered immediate.

After reading this list, I should tell you that I have my own burning event. It’s not a once a year thing, however. I just have to wait until it rains. In this way, my Burning of the Boxes is far superior to Burning Man. What is a hardship in the desert is an opportunity in rolling farmland. Like a lonely, wayward sheep. Well, not quite like that.

Anyway, I digress. The point is that every time it rains I burn all the boxes that have accumulated in my garage. What a mighty fire I sometimes make. And then I dance around my mighty conflagration chanting, “I am the fire starter. I am the fire starter.” Like Charlie McGee without the famous grandpa.

Thus, in accordance with burning events everywhere, I have created my own list of principles. There are only six because six is a sacred number. Plus, I couldn’t think of any more off hand. Regardless, here are the Six Principles of Box Burning.

1- Decommodification. I stole this one. It applies to the destruction of Amazon boxes. It’s metaphorical. Like burning Bezos at the stake. A stake delivered by Amazon! Irony.

2- Irony. Like when you leave no trace of boxes by sending clouds of smoke into the sky, aiding Climate Change just a little bit each time. I’ve given up. And I will probably be dead before it gets really bad.

3- Aesthetic Endeavor. Whenever one burns plastic the flame turns beautiful colors. It’s like magic. Poof! The plastic is eliminated.

4- Weather awareness. It is crucial to understand wind direction, particularly when burning plastic. Magic can backfire on you.

5- Obnoxiousness. Yelling at the top of one’s lungs in front of a giant blaze is good for the soul. It also annoys the neighbor who is always dinking around on his four-wheeler at 6am for reasons known only to him.

6- Expediency. Why wait for the garbage man to take recyclables? Give the guy a break. Burn, baby, burn.

If you scroll down on the Burning Man website you’ll read a lot of comments from pissed-off participants. Apparently, no one from the organization checked on them when things went to shit. They did not read the Fourth Principle. Or the organizers were engaged in Principles 5 and 9.

I have a Seventh Principle. No website needed. I don’t need Jeff Bezos suing me for joking about burning him at the stake. Warlocks hate burning at the stake jokes. No sense of humor. Though I could make a Jeff Bezos out of boxes. Burn Box Bezos high into the night sky.

8- Class warfare. Each box burning must include a representation of some annoying billionaire.

9-Stakes Mandatory.

10- Urination as fire suppression.

I guess I could make it to ten after all. I’m on fire!

11-Never catch on fire while burning effigies of rich people at the stake. Actually, Principle 2 already covered this one. Consider us back to Ten Principles. Or maybe I should call them Commandments. The Ten Commandments of Box Burning. Then add some flowery bible language to them.

10. Thou shall urinateth on the boxes ablaze until the Bezos smoldereth beneath you.

Admittedly, it’s a work in progress. At least you didn’t have to pay for a ticket.