Desperate for something to write about, I looked at the Fox News website. In the interest of full disclosure, I have never done this before. I was a Fox virgin. What a mistake. You talk about a treasure trove of crazy shit. Wooowheeee!!! I’ll never run out of ideas again. Thank you, Fox News Jesus. (Fox News Jesus wears camo, has a MAGA hat, some chaw in his cheek and an AR-15 in his hands- as is his Him-given right).

Speaking of Jesus it appears that he works in mysterious ways. One way, according to Fox News, is through cardinals. No, not the guys who cover up child molestation. Though that would certainly qualify has some mysterious behavior on the part of Jesus. No, I am talking about the red bird who also doubles as the mascot for innumerable sports teams across this great, bird-loving nation. According to Fox, the cardinal is a bird of god.

To whit: “When European settlers arrived in North America, they noticed these birds’ bright red hue and how closely it resembled the red vestments of Roman Catholic leading bishops,” the Farmer’s Almanac reported. “And the bird’s jaunty crest is similar in shape to the church officials’ headgear, especially the tall, pointed mitre.” I mean, who can argue with that. I know every time I have seen a cardinal I thought, hmmm, that bird reminds of someone. And now I know.

Even more interesting, some Christians believe that the bird’s red color represents the blood of Jesus. “It is because of this religious correlation that many believe a visit from a cardinal serves as a sign or heavenly message from a departed loved one.” Cardinals, you see, are holy conduits to the dead. And, when one shits on your windshield, it is a message from Aunt Trish that you should have never sold her house to that yuppie couple from Minneapolis. The first thing those people did is to dig up and replace her azaleas. That white, runny goo is merely just desserts for failing to remove and replant those prized flowers. You azalea ignoring bastard.

Fox goes on to say that “this common occurrence (of cardinal funeral going) can mean a loved one is close by — and that you will always be loved by that person.” Unless, of course, you have not given those azaleas any attention. Then its plop plop plop.

If you are not convinced, Fox provides even more hard evidence. “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows,” the passage from Scripture reads. If that doesn’t seal the deal, I don’t know what I can say to you to prove that all of this about cardinals are real. Because another word for cardinals is sparrows. Or at least it is in ancient Hebrew. Even though there are aren’t any cardinals in Israel. Except when Noah had those two on the Ark.

Additionally, it appears that sometimes the cardinal is not one of your loved ones coming back to haunt you for your transgressions, but rather the physical manifestation of the Lord’s presence. Hence the phrase “goddamn cardinal.” I use this phrase often when the cardinals bully the other birds from the bird feeder. But I mean it in the most reverent way. Who am I to question the bullying of the Lord? Besides, it is highly likely that woodpeckers are witches. They have black on them and make weird noises. And you hardly ever see them at a cemetery. Unless there are dead trees in the cemetery. Of course, the fact that these trees are dead is only more evidence of the black intentions of the woodpeckers. Not to mention the sexual aspect of their name- which I will not mention.

If you are a cynical heathen, you might wonder where the female cardinal fits into all of this. After all, they aren’t red. Fox News even says they are brown. But they are more like yellowish-green, unless they are in the Catholic church. Then they are brown. Regardless, the good news is that females aren’t important. Well, they are for creating eggs and taking care of the fledgling males. So, sometimes they are important. Though no self-respecting spirit would ever be caught dead in one.

The takeaway from all of this is if you ever see a female cardinal at a burial, shoot it from the sky immediately. It’s most likely the spirit of a lib who can’t decide what gender it should be.